simply watch the rain and sigh. Blooming flowers that deny. and the sun, the sun just dries the lonely.
Echos bouncing from the walls, as the paint begins to fall. And the dust, the dust just chokes the lonely.
in your scent i sensed an innocence. And i thought the same sentiment until i was sent into never ending descent. you're surprised by my dissent? if only you saw where i went. You offered a penny for my thoughts and these are my 2 cents.
As the embers spark the blaze. The grazing sting of your gaze. and the cold, the cold just froze the lonely.
Now i've reached the other side. You're alone in the storm. I'm not looking back, watch the bridges burn...burn me free from my only, my one and only.

death is my gift.

its a way out. some much needed respite. it's not a cry for help, cuz i am not desperate. Its a gift, a treasure beneath the ashes i sift. I broke from the script, improvising through a life in which i wasn't equipped. You lost your grip and i was dropped, into the darkest shadow of my most forbidden thoughts. When all was lost, i couldn't bare to exhaust the option of a life where i aimlessly walked. Its not that i was caught, i just have to stop. I gave you all i had as the mercury dropped. im trapped between the broken mirror and bloody walls. i finger paint a smiling face with crossed eyes before i fall. follow the trail to hell where i'm at peace with it all.
On the outskirts of a ghost town with no sound there's dead trees and cracked dirt. a broken window in the haunted house where i've lived since birth. Yours is the only reflection i see, in this stagnant pool of blood that's choking on me. My life expectancy is holding a clock right next to me. You were what's best for me now im just left to be. a hand full of pills as im fumbling toward ecstasy. I haven't slept because you're gone. Since you've left i've seen the darkness, with no sight of dawn. Burning a hole in my heart, acid reflux sucks. sinking on the raft flooded by my tear ducts. a sitting duck amidst the mire. a nail in your spare tire. I left my self open like a travel retreat flyer. I guess i was easy to read, now i stay between the lines as the clock hits nine. i hit an artery with broken hourglass, my love i'm outta time. I'm trapped between a whim and a tattered old quilt. Bury me at peace beneath the gallows where dead memories are built. Our last kiss led to this, a closed door a clenched fist. a life of sorrow for eternal bliss. I open my wounds and let death be my gift

the night breed.

what keeps you awake? heart break? the silence, the echoes, the glare of the tinted landscape? all is dormant on the external, the beauty of night, the home of the nocturnal. the itch is epidermal. i dont scratch. day breaks and and the clouds crack. i lay back until night fall. my early bird is the owl and my muse is on the prowl. With chaos in slumber i crawl from under. no need to hide from lightning, i am the thunder. everything is clear, and i fill with wonder. I am the night breed, born of darkness, end of summer. i can see the air, feel the glare of the moon from the pier. follow the stars to the beginning of nowhere. my mind is free to roam with with sinister shadows, swing through the gallows, discover new worlds and old pharaohs.
They day darkens what's internal. the night sheds light so i live nocturnal. The clock strikes the witching hour, my mind switches to power. opens up a realm where words and colors turn into meteor showers. In the coldest of worlds, in a land all alone. i have no other choice to call the night home. i am the NIGHT BREED.

in no particular.

a simple "fuck you" is too much. cant walk cuz i fell on my crutch. twisted the cap threw em' back cuz life sucks. wake me at dusk and throw me under the bus, i wanna choke on the carbon and combust from swallowing rust. toss me with the anonymous between the gusts of settled dust and just walk away and shut the fuck up. ive had enough. stop pushin my buttons or im cutting, fuck ordinary! im timmothy hutton. a reclusive shut-in. all inclusive trip straight to the end of nothing. i walk in the mires and fields through fire i yield to the unmistakable high so i dont feel. ive had my fill, im outta pills. gimme a bottle of benadryl to keep me still. lock me in the closet clog the sink and leave on the faucet, go to the rental office and get back your security deposit. fuckin bitch had my heart then lost it in her wallet after i sewed her new pockets and bought her a locket with a picture and a thousand words, a promise and a tear with her name on it.

a million

i am empty. i am void. creativity's destroyed. i can't sleep, i can't think. burn my eyes so i cant blink. i cant eat, i cant grasp. there's a broken heart dead in my lap. the autumn crashed upon my skin, thoughts stripped bare, a million.
i walk in shadows, i walk through lines. through burning bridges a million times. i cant cope, i can't take, i cant emote or bother to fake. There's a scratch upon my plate. a meal that i never ate. The autumn rained its cold into my conscious and to be completely honest, atop my list of reasons your name is on it. one of a million.
if im empty than im a liar, i cannot hide...for you inspire. you give life to every thought. to every single breath ive got. you give meaning to each word. you are the essence of my nerves. You are my autumn, a microcosm. for all good fortune i have gotten. i wish i were your same. i wish i could put rhyme to your name. but treading water i maintain. with the silence, with the pain. a million knives in a million veins.

when the blood spills

its not auto-immune or viral. It's dead butterflies sliding down a spiral. a cascade of blood parades down flesh to tile. What happened to the smile? marching orders through vacant aisles, walking through hell a wave of sadness crashes, drowned in my own ashes eyelashes melted to the rims of my glasses, tied to the track on my back the train passes. Caught in the web of a vengeful arachnid. eight arms of harm spin me outta control no alarm to wake me i'm fuckin out cold. a choke hold and a broke mold, my soul was sold by an asshole whose sole intent was to kill me slow with a blindfold, now im too old to see what's been left of me. picked to pieces till my heart ceases, a wrinkle in time fills with creases , stitched to the nines for death seeks us. and i seek it. my bloods on the wall next to the sewing kit. It runs free through the alleys and prairies alone in a cave with a pile of dead canaries. Stand back mr reaper, my fate doesnt scare me.
I stare through a glass vase upon led painted sill, my body is shaking while the world sits still. atop the rain drops i let my blood spill.

i cant sleep

I cant sleep.....my mind spins like a helicopter propeller keeping me awake along with the cricket a'capella. keepin time with the wind chimes till the sun shines an able mind destroyed. im in the confines of thoughts that run into the void of ink blots, the leaky sink drops. Sleep obstacles make it impossible to close my eyes and ignore white audibles.the moon is full, im counting wolves, howling out of key and i smell blood on the wool. Its an abstract lit match burning the midnite oil until the long last contrast between sanity and reality dispatch my neurosis, you wrote this when sleep became more hopeless than a dream because we're too focused on the fly in the screen and that one sad scene in mr hollands opus and my on going fear of sarcoidosis.These are the thoughts that race at a pace that could blast the speed of light into a dim lit space bound so tight the speeding sounds cant escape. And i feel trapped. eyeballs bigger than bottle caps, tappin on the window , tree branches laugh. an eternity and a half and i can't fuckin nap as my eyelids overlap. i still see time on attack...keeping me awake until the sun comes back. deprived of heavy eyes i run from lights until i die. gravity doesnt apply cuz i'm floating through the sighs, deep breaths fly through thoughts i..........i keep falling, clocks not stalling, still hear ideas cold calling. and i keep buying, thats why its 1 am and im lyin, staring at the ceiling panels, tv in my head wont stop changin fuckin channels, just me and a pack of camels and a chest full of roman candles.........i cant sleep.

Deloras was a flower.

She stood tall, she stood proud. She stood for many things without having to speak loud.

She had color, she had poise. She stared down the sun and silenced the rain's noise.

From the window, she watched. Pedals strewn across her top. a few ice cubes when she got hot.

She rose from the dirt, disfigured and distorted. She spread her resiliance into a beautufil orchid.

Then time's grew tough, she was getting pale, an extention of her thirst, the colors they all failed.

broken limbs, crumbled leaves. she gasped for air, she couldnt breathe, no one was there but the tumbleweed.

Her frail form couldnt hold. she hunched in pain...she fell slow.

Under the sun, beneath the showers, she left a taste but never sour.

She was Deloras, and she was a flower.

I lit a cigarette

I lit a cigarette, like breathing in relief. like seeing from beneath.
I exhaled a Picaso, abstract lines and rings intertwine as i extinguish my mind.im on a plane, a see-saw causing turbulence in my brain.
a runaway, lost on the runway, i got a bus ticket to escape the mundane.
one day i'll exhale. one day i'll set sail. the smoke like fog, i cant see. confusion in the sea
illusions of debris, coming out of me. coughing from my coffin. another drag and im stoppin.
Bus station is empty, its raining in the low seventies. i waltz with my faults down the empty halls.
I light another cigarette before nightfall. no rock to small from which i can crawl. My lungs now heavy
runnin outta oxygen. I flick the ashes and pop a klonopin. I swallow the matches and burn all the toxins in
if we're never gonna talk again you should know what i thought my friend.
you take more of my breath than any cigarette. it's too bad they havent found a cure yet.
and too bad you havent found me . gonna lite another and hope you discover that when the smoke clears
the turbulence will go as these words hit your ears. But ive gotta catch another bus, to give you the painting,
i hope that your'e waiting. i'll be with the others on the thin ice, skating.

vicoden and the scottish play.

Things come and go but one thing's for certain. We're just players on a stage waiting for the final curtain, hurtin'

Time is borrowed. Tomorrow, tomorrow. Will there ever be an end to this constant sorrow? Blood drips like candle wax,

final act. We're not coming back. Reduced to artifacts as our light fades to black. We strut and fret upon the hour,

then we're devoured, by drowning showers sent from a higher power. Pain evoked through the somber notes

the final chapter he wrote before i ever spoke. Throughout time we sustain what seems an endless pain, but its

all too short like a candles brief flame. A shadow that was cast by a vestige from hour past. Tears fall like broken glass

but it all ends fast. Just a part of a design we're all on borrowed time but im gonna get mine before my light cease to shine.

Our seeds were sown long before they were planted, but as long as i'm standing i'll take nothing for granted as i'm dealing

with the cards that my life handed. Gonna rest in the peace which the world abandoned.



Things come and go but one thing's for certain, we're just players on a stage waiting for the final curtain, hurtin'

Life is hollow. Tomorrow, tomorrow. Will there ever be an end to this road we follow? Tears drip like autumn rain

no contained, reduced to sullen frames left with only our names. Stuck in a purgatory. Tales told of sound and fury.

Life's just a page in a never ending story. Lighting flash, i turn to ash. So it was written and shall come to pass.

Death is forever, but life fades fast. Never comin' back, Fuckin never back. Brief our existance in which time will yield.

Just a blade of grass amongst acres of field. Searching for love on a level much higher. Or will i just perish in a lake of fire.

Irrelevant my fate, i can't ignore the present. Life can be unpleasant but its a valuable lesson. I sit amongst the haze with

a sullen gaze longing for the day it all goes away. We all die, we all cease, we all disappear. Our end is near and the writing's

clear. Our seeds were sown long before they were planted but as long as i'm standing i'll take nothing for granted as i'm dealing

with the cards that my life handed. Gonna rest in the place which the world abandoned.

Shhhhhhhhhh :X

Distance. i can still hear. Reverberating in the depths of my fear. I put on my face so you think i'm ok. You put on your shoes, and you walked away.
My thoughts a cacauphony, damned by my autonomy. cant escape these sounds. Freedom;hope, been holding me down. Tied to the tracks, the commuters. they rail. The rage in their eyes. the unbalanced scale. I go back and forth, platform to port. searching for my worth but my journey's cut short. They celebrate my demise. ( my thoughts that is.) They dance on by fuckin high and synchronized. ive no balance. Chemicals are useless when you're the horse behind the wagon. The coarse blood from rusty stabbings. My thoughts at war, collateral damage. But with the austerity of hope i'll somehow manage.
I can no longer convince or mince the words between blunt force and subtle hints. im beginning to finally think ive been hit with the kitchen sink. As the chorus resounds, its with you i am found. You are the element in my sea of compounds. and im a bloody fool with wistfull molecules. combusting like atoms cuz i cant stop fucking loving you. Im tired of the mask. taking myself to task. dying on the inside cuz im living too fast. dreams dont last. Im the blood on the bandage. ive tried, i cant manage. The austerity of hope. has left me damaged.

untitled and unbridled love poem

This is flawed, but im real nervous. what makes it real is that its not perfect. what's on my mind? c'mon inside. its a cascade of sparks and light. set off by my thoughts of you tonite. a running beauty that makes my head dizzy but i will keep following till you are with me. please love, forgive me. my thoughts are not rated. i can taste your soul , ive longed and waited. the feel of you naked. your head on my chest,i melt with each breath. i dont wanna let go,dont wanna get dressed.our lips are soft pressed. see me for what i am, a man between sane and absurd.But a man who can love without speaking a word. my heart is beating,let us in. open your mind,soul,and skin. show me your sins. i want it all. and i'll recriprocate twice,escape from my thoughts and stay with me tonite. stay with me through duress, let me be the constant in your sporadic change of address. step out of my mind so that we can manifest.

what made me.

Lost beneath the screams. they validated the nightmare while ignoring my dreams. Their waves of ambivalence turned me to sediment. you want proof there's no god!? I'm the fuckin evidence. my mind is my residence, not theyd notice. a patched crack in the family tenemant. it's quiet, must mean he's here. grab another beer and drink till we think clear. weigh their problems on competing scales, " shut the fuck up, back to your room". feeding their monster while i starved to fail.
i couldnt even think when the fighting began. i jumped in my head and i ran and i ran. counting the days...the minutes the seconds, i forgot how to sleep, i ran out of weapons. my mind raced so fast i sped through the lessons. all that's left were the motions. crawling inside with the hope, the notion, that i would be free...but everything passed. i had no future because they ruined my past.
They swept me away when Rene had her way. 8 yrs 4 months and 22 days. She said "get on top" or i couldnt play. i did what she asked and masked my scare face. i did what was told, the letter, the pace. my mind wouldnt race, i was stuck in that place and no one kept me safe! I never had a say, mom was supposed to protect me. and even though she's always here on that day she fuckin left me. And i tried to speak, voice cracked and weak no issue pressed but her breast on my cheek. they never fought, cared what i thought. Lost in the shuffle, thoughts that are muffled, i dont know where i am, what to do, dan i dont love you. no past, present, future, no identity, just a forgotten severence. You want proof there's no god. I'm the evidence.

a poem. a poem from the deepest part of my soul.

i was gonna write a poem about how i still loved someone...but i changed my mind. gonna hand deliver it to her. for her eyes, heart and soul only. here is a depressing fucker.


there's an old clock that stops without cause. there's a moment in time i wish i could pause. A time when the ocean and sun met for tea, a time when the stars were lookin down on me. Im outta crayons but im drawin blood, there's a drought in my soul being drowned in the flood. And im so fuckin lost without you.....through the emptiest days, the clouds didnt play, they just sat still, cryin on my window sill. But i poured more, into my sores, i cut deep beneath the floor board's creak. Bury me, oh bury me, my angels gone, dont worry please. Im sure there's refreshments at the gate, dont stop me cuz you are too late. My mind made up, made of thoughts, made of dust from that old clock. But i cant pause, i must move on. got nowhere to go since she's been gone.

My new watch

i have a watch. it tells time. it tells people without watches to shut the fuck up and don't ask me what time it is. My watch isnt fat so it can have seconds. But dont dare tell it to wait a minute. I'm not saying im better than you because i have a watch, i'm just telling you to go fuck yourself. My watch is powerful because it controls time. Kiss its ass all you want and you wont get those hours or days back. Piss it off and it will drag and drag as you agonize feverishly until you go completely mad and start hitting yourself with frozen pork chops.

The worst thing you can do is waste time. It's like slapping my watch in the face with his dead mother watch. Seem, time is always there and if you don't appreciate it, it's gonna fuckin run out. And you won't be able to kill time, but it'll kill you. My watch is also stainless steel. keeps it protected. Because i respect the value of time. I appreciate the work my watch does because i dont have the fuckin time to build a time machine, go back to ancient egypt and learn how to make a sun dial. What the fuck would i do if it was a cloudy day?! Fuck you! respect time assholes. that is all.

is anyone really " ordinary"?

Probably my favorite movie. Atleast very high upon the list. " Ordinary People" starring Timothy Hutton, Mary Tyler Moore and Donald Sutherland. It deals with the perils of growing up depressed and how the family copes. It takes a realistic look at suicide and what makes a person want to go that road. Being a person who suffers from severe depression this film always brings out so many emotions in me. I won't deny there have been times where i could have easily seen my end. Even today, as an adult i have days where i expend all of my energy just to get the thought out of my head. I made a very serious effort to end everything when i was 24. It wasnt your typical cry for help type scenario. I didn't indicate to anyone and i filled myself with enough booze and pills i was certain i wouldn't wake up.
I woke up. Bloody and in pain. It didnt work, so i left it there. My instinct to live must have been stronger than my will to die that night. I don't think i could ever get that far again but because of my depression my brain does sometime tease me. But the instinct kicks in. and it does get tiring at times but this movie kinda helps because even in death there is no way out.
Right now in my life i have a million daggers stuck inside me. So much pain, sadness and abandonment. It's when the fight begins. Waking up and wanting to just lay there. Hoping i die in my sleep. Just getting out of my bed and dressed can be more demanding than my very fast paced and physical job. There's so much emptiness, loniless, redundancey. Makes me manic. makes me a little "off" but i guess the message in this movie is that there are no "ordinary people". and i can take some solace in that. i hope this makes sense.

:*(

dead inside. I'm dead inside. pain and sorrow behind my eyes. my stare is blank, life goes by. my heart sank. im fuckin dead inside. i'd rather not breathe, i'd rather not care for im choked up everytime i come for air. I shoulda stayed below, i shoulda saw the signs, i shoulda done more i'm fuckin dead inside. It's time i break the law that gravity applied, i was better off to hide cuz now im dead inside. Love died and brought me along. a final sigh and she was gone. Far beyond empty i can barely stand. No energy to fight, no hope to land. Falling further into the abyss. im just a grain of sand. A blade of grass in a burning field. I yield in solitude, i feel the tears slide, down they fuckin go i am dead inside. More than lost, more than gone. More than the urge to keep moving on. Every road, paved with gray, why does it always have to be this way? My muse stole my shoes i can't walk away. so i crawl to a place so dark and safe. i crawl to a place where i can't escape. It's where i'm bound, i won't be found. Im dead inside, inside the fucking ground broken is the heart who's love showed no bounds.im dead inside this rotting ghost town..
Why does the hurt supercede the joy? why did i believe that i couldnt be destroyed? and why can't i take the sage advice? i did this to myself i fuckin ruined my life. It doesnt matter how hard i tried, doesnt matter what's justified. when darkness and my eyes collide, they will know im dead inside......dead inside fuckin dead inside.

he said sorry.

into the empty room, i felt it get cold. so quiet i feared my thoughts would be heard. i sat in the corner and waited. Hours past, not a shadow or a ghost, a mere gust of wind tapping the window. Nothing. Didn't know if i liked this room or not. Didn't feel compelled to leave. Felt kinda drawn their. Like i was supposed to be  all along. Images from my mind began projecting on the wall. Like as if my life were flashing before my eyes. I saw people, events, places all going by in a peaceful motion as if to give me the time to soak each memory in. Some good, some bad. I saw much regret. i saw people who i hurt. I saw myself. I tried to say sorry to each image as it was being projected. Hoping they would hear me. Hoping i could give them a little peace. They saw me but did not acknowledge my words. The walls in the room started closing in and the images began showing on all 4 of them. Intertwining. All my mistakes assualting me in a chorus of " how could you's?" and "why!?"  It got to the point where i couldn't breathe. Everything was so close i couldnt turn around. I wanted to turn around, i wanted to leave, i wanted to escape. Everything stopped!................


Goodnite :)

amnesia. December 2002.

i wrote this a while back when i finally accepted the realization that people just don't care. They take what they need. Smash your skull in, and walk around like everything's roses. They expect you to be ok with everything. They don't wanna accept that they caused another person harm because god forbid they look like assholes infront of other people. This girl was a complete asshole. However i respect her greatly for atoning years later. But she inspired probably my favorite poem ive written. It's called amnesia. I dont forget, do you?

 It's like amnesia, she walks right by and doesn't see ya. You're just a vestige of a forgotten message, heart left in the wreckage as she floats by like wind. Nothing to rescind as uncertainty begins. Distilled from her memory, left with a vacancy painstakingly and achingly breaking me. Wondering where the fuck time was taking me. T'was like day and nite. first sparks ignite, then the fading light, a forgone conclusion i blocked from my sight. But deep down the silent voice was always right.

The thoughts of her still exist. Haunting caucophonus, how could she be so oblivious and just walk from this?! Her image ominous, a simple greeting drenched in awkwardness. If only my memory were bottomless you'd be fuckin gone from it. Into the pit of thoughts i fall to bits. A warm embrace replace by a hidden face. Conveniant amnesia to suit her taste. Well taste the rejection and loniliness as you're laid to waste, reduced to writing that i scripted in haste. Don't let my cold heart freeze ya, im just that broken thought behind the clouds of amnesia.


the song i posted was written and recorded for her that year. i was wicked drunk and knew it would piss her off. She actually ended up liking it and it became the fav. song of those who heard my solo demo back in 2003.

karma police

Karma is a piece of crap. it won't leave me alone. just when i think it's safe to take a peek i get smashed in the eye by karma. Like most people i've made some mistakes, bad decisions, hurt a few people along the way. But ive grown and have definately paid for those transgressions, yet im still getting the shit kicked out of me on a daily basis. I can't breathe without a swarm of wasps stinging my tonsils. i cant be in peace. i dont want harm for anyone. i just wanna go through life peacefully. And as i do that karma jams a fishhook in my rectum and pulls me back down. I don't know what else to do. I don't know where else to turn. Seems the more honest and decent i try to live the further down i am pulled. Maybe im not being honest and dont know it? i dunno. all i know is that i can handle a whole shit ton thrown at me, as i have for the better part of my life. But this shit has seemed to take orbit around me and won't leave me the fuck be. I see only one way out of this. Maybe then shitty ass karma will get off my case. I guess on the positive side it shows i have some type of strength but treading water in a sea of desolation isnt exactly my idea of living.
The thing that gets me the most is karma lulling me into a place of contentment. Where i feel safe, loved, happy and just as i get to the point where i feel like i'm home, this vindictive motherfucker drags me back to where i started. Over gravel, over glass, over flames, over broken pictures of any good memory it's destroyed. You won't find me where i'm going karma. So go fuck yourself. and my deepest apolagies to anyone that ive caused pain to in my life. i was selfish and inconsiderate and you all deserved better. I never lived to my potential and ive let so many down. i guess that's why karmas up my ass like a drug sniffing dog at a columbian airport. I take full responsibility, but if karma were a person i would beat its ass unmercifully. oh well. fast as fast can be, you'll never catch me ...................MEEP MEEP!

i mean it sure seems alot messier because eggs rot.

i know the end will be happy. it's just the waiting part that's killing me. But i gotta do my part. My back will never turn. April is "poetry month". or so says the internet. so i will make a poem.


the burning oak, the scented smoke. the cricket's chirp, the frogs croak. sitting on the back porch, the greatest view was her of course. talking, watching day give way so the owls and the shadows could come out to play. The sun gave a fond farewell, we smoked a cigarette, night fell... into the river, into the river i watched the moon rise in her eyes upon the river. There's a word for it ( love) but it's not good enough for her, its a feeling, a mind reeling, a butterfly with colors so appealing my heart jumps from my chest and bursts through the ceiling and crashes down wrapped in a bow. with a letter attached so you will know. i will wait, i won't wither, for something stronger than a word will keep us together. the sun will rise onto the river, onto the river. i watched a new start, from the light in her heart upon the river.

my diagnosis.

a random thought before i begin: Bob's Burgers is the most unfunny show in the fucking world. Holy crap it sucks. ive seen better writing in 3rd grade special ed. hot garbage. this show is hot garbage!

I have Wiley Coyote syndrome. It's where i keep falling for the same stupid shit and getting hurt over and over again. How many anvils must fall on my head before i learn!? i must have smashed my face in that painted tunnel on the side of the mountain atleast 42 times. No more. I say this: Road Runner. run free, keep fuckin going. i'm not gonna destroy myself trying to catch you anymore. I'm gonna hang out by this shadowy rock and kill pheasants. It's no longer funny that my pain is your gain roadrunner! People.....i mean roadrunners have this lovely habit of letting me get close enough until they have the strength and speed to carry on themselves. and as im lulled my leg gets snapped by a bear trap and they never look back. After one instance i should have known better so i take responsibility for the rest. And that is why i bid farewell to my pursuit of the roadrunner. Cuz im outta of breakable bones. and hearts. ACME stopped making them when the recession of 08' hit. meep meep!

( coyotes arent smart. i bet this one will be in hot pursuit the minute he catches whiff of the bird.)

propagation, not propaganda. spread love not hate!

im just gonna put this out there....i feel if i were gay and james franco were gay we'd make a good couple.

and now a poem that will be completely impossible to decipher unless you have secret access to my brain. ( im talking to you Ross Perot, and you know what i want. get your ass back in the political arena!)

the dandilions, the dandilions, are gonna start to grow. melting away winter, pedals wave goodbye to snow. perennials, perennials i think you are swell. so hurry up and blossom, the earth is starting to smell. oh daffodil, daffodil, lets climb the grassy hills. there's plenty of chlorophyll, i may be allergic but i carry Benadryl. Nettles, sweet nettles, i hold you most dear. Let us grow together and rule the whole year. There's a muskrat with a twitch, a sandwhich for the picnic and some frogs for me to lick. i wanna be high, high on earth, drunk on oxygen and hungover from fertile dirt. seeds, lovely seeds, planted inside me. a vegetative state, but no complacency.  a poor kid i know this, but i got an orchid and a lotus and a smile few can notice. Oh Lily oh lily ,  i know it seems silly but i wait for you to grow even when its chilly. i dont need a coat, ive got your embrace, im warm with affection, as my roots take place. i'll be the one waiting with the lilacs on my face.

that was it. hahahahahahha.

Boxes

Back in 2006 while @ Peet's coffee i worked with this wonderfully intelligent, shining light of a girl name Oana. Originally from Romania she was a student at Wellesely college. So many incredible perspectives and ideas ran through her mind. She really was brilliant and we shared many great conversations. One of the few people in the world i have or ever will let behind the chaotic wall that protects me. Well she ended up graduating with her Physics degree and went over to France to Teach. Before she left she gave me a home made postcard with this incredible poem revolving around the concept of different boxes. she even drew boxes all over the card. We spoke on the phone a bit while she was in France but i never got to give her my reply. I wrote her a poem, probably my favorite to this date. Aptly titled " Boxes". This one is for Oana Ivan. The most interesting person ive ever met.


The stars eternal, still shine. Illimunating thoughts in lost one's mind. Untaimed and maimed, wounded souls with no names. Looking to stake a claim in the heart with bloodless veins. I peer across horizons, through dark nights to sun's rising. Surprised having realized the way she looked at me so innocently. It hushed the inner cries. i caught a tear escaping telling a story, i listenened. her complexion glistened. Is this what was missing? Like a head on collision, stuck between the truth and a vision. Burned and returned from excursive expeditions. Better to be a shadow than a blinding indecision. I'll stand behind my premonition. How many stars wait till we're dead to gleam bright? too late for hindsight my mind's right, scars mean we put up a fight. Close the box tight. I wish i was the moon tonite.
I feel a storm, her heart warm, but when she passed through i'll be tattered and torn. Into repetition im born. A thorn to the rose, please don't mourn. For i live for the pouring rain and dark havens. I cave in beneath the wings of a raven, wash upon the shore, nevermore. My eyes closed, no longer exposed or dispose, what you need to hear is disclosed between the coffin and a rose. Bury me deep in your embrace. The thorns are to protect, lets go to a place where its safe from the cruel and inept. Hurry, my pills are clockin in for their shift, breathe in peace before i'm relieved in bliss. i told her i was tired and my desire's to quit, she smiled back, gave me an empty box and opened it.....
I could fill it with thoughts, untying stomach knots, crawling from the cold of my cemetery plot. Sometimes i think outside the box, but you'll always be locked in my memory. the safest spot. Beauty like you couldn't be store bought. Confined in my mind i resign under the star lit designs. The empty box i fear to fill except mine. solid pine. But im gonna wait along time till we're at the stop sign of the cross roads where all is defined. You told me copper was gone, that your name meant " John". i learned of protons, electrons and hydrogen bombs. I implode. Just when we connected it was time for you to go. So i dropped a thought in the box and sent it first class to where our paths again shall pass, i may be your past, a car crash. you all wanna watch but noone stops. My eyes dew drops as i do drop. Keep the box. I lay lost beneath a lacerated sky, bleeding on the day love died. Close the lid, ignore the sigh. When opportunity knocks i trip falling short, im too high. Immunity from heartbreak, Pardon me she said " goodbye".Losing interest like cashed in investments, boxed in a corner im paying for my transgression, Oana i miss your expression. She swam like a fish, and couldn't hear the final question. The empty box folds, laying on top. it's cold. I cant sleep. she's 4000 miles gone and im beneath the floor's creak. You were so different no comparison, please know i'm not dead. it's all too embarrassing. i count back from one, send a message with the rising sun, box is full, packing done. i know you gotta run for he who invented love holds the smoking gun. But your spirit firmly planted keeping my heart glued. I put myself in that box and now it belongs to you.

a broken heart.

my heart is not a starfish, stop fuckin breaking it and burying it in marshes next to the dead rat carcass
It cant grow back! its been framed, i got an arrested cardiac, and an unsavory name. You lack jurisdiction but over the line you came. Now your numb and havin fun, i'm fuckin writhing in pain. and i don't need no sympathy. im not a damsel with syncope. there's no trail of blood that you can link to me unless its the blood you tried to drink from me. i took off the mask cuz you asked as you walked past and faster than the flash of the light that emassed as you mixed blood with my tears as you jammed glass in my lash. it was a hundred yard dash you were gone quicker than burning ash beneath the tidal wave crash. my body soaked, water logged, off into the fog you disappeared like god. a full on fraud. laid me to rest after i gave you my all. I needed more than aspirin for maskin after broke my heart katherine. i lay inside myself without a hope, without a passion.

prescience aint all its cracked up to be.

since ive been in High School ive been writing poems. i would rewrite certain ones until i thought they were perfect. I began to keep a notebook of said final drafts. a couple years ago i left this notebook at a friends thinking i would never see it again. I obsess over this notebook because it's like my little sanctuary, i hide in it's pages and re-live different days. Well fate finally returned this book to me last nite which is great cuz i have some more final drafts i want to add to it. Here is a poem i wrote in November 2006.

Am I a liar, or am i the lie? Am I words I've spoken inside the promises broken? Does the love in the air bring wind to the ocean? Revolving door aspirations, flooding the ruminations, drowning me effortlessly, i was just your vacation. The rain now fierce, kharma spitting in my face, a full blown tidal wave takes me back to empty space. My contribution, nothing more than pollution, i can swim but i'm high on confusion, green pills and broking wings down the whirlpool of delusion. I'll never escape the wave. a slave to my wreckless ways. Let my body hit the shore, you're not the same as you were before, behind the door your safe while i'm barely awake. You dealt me my fate, under the bridge and freezing rain i wait. I am the plague, the tragedy on stage, my debts won't soon be paid during this season of decay.

I found myself, exfoliation. dead in hell, and heart's still aching upon a star where the leaves fell. waiting in an empty shell. Eternity, a moment away, the fires of reality burn with a new day. Smoke filled skies shows a man on the edge of his demise, choking back the tears, taste the embers as i sigh. Sullen and sloped. Am i the black hole at the end of the rope? an abyss to a meaningless kiss, frozen in emptiness, a frost bitten bliss. fates cruel hand chosen by the perilous. I brought hurt, lost innocense, cut my wrist in self defense. Born of a shadow behind a rusted fence. And i watch love fall like ashes, crumbling apart into a heartless bastard. Running in place you're getting smaller faster. I'm still dying, happily ever after. Descend beneath the clouds, alone i stay. weathered from the destruction from your season of decay. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, to all the parallels. i don't believe in fairy tales, so i'll see you in hell.

the dying season.

It's Spring, but i am Autumn. Death all around, top to bottom. The winds are paralyzed, there's streams in my eyes. Tree's stand in silence as i walk by. My soul is winter pavement, my heart's about to cave in, no hair on my arms but i feel like shavin'. goin up the highway, followin my ghost. listenin to " my way" as i slowly approach. i gotta bottle of water and a hand written note. lions fight in my stomach and there's still a desert in my throat. 
I try on many scales, i fail. outlined on the sidewalk with out any detail. There's an empty seashell and a train that's derailed, the river's dead dont bother with the sail. i walk the tracks with pine and nails, into the valley where the sun impales. a somber journey, comes to it's hault. put down the magnifying glass, it's nobodys fault. the strongest of rocks are nothing but piles of salt. No heart in the vault. the safe has been cracked. winter may be gone, but it always comes back.

and that was my sad poem. it is the most positive and productive way to relieve myself of negative emotion. It helps put things in perspective, sharpens my writing and vocabulary skills and it makes me stronger. the tone may be sad. but the writer is not.........for now...dun dun dun!!!!

a poem by daniel rivers.

             i like trees cuz they have bark, just like dogs but not as smart.
             some trees are tall and some are wide, some grow in forests and some inside
             i climbed a tree when i was young, i made it to the top where the birds all sung.
             i hummed along, i felt like i belonged. me and the birds sang a dozen happy songs.
             we sang about clouds, we sang of the sky, we sang really proud with a glimmer in our eyes
            
             i like ferns cuz they are red, there was a book about ferns in which i read.
             it was sorta sad but i learned alot, so guess what i went out that and day and bought?
            bought me a fern in a fancy pot, put it by the window near a sunny spot. It was healthy
            its leaves shined, man i was happy that fern was mine :)

             i like plants that grow in rocks, man i wished that my plants talked. I went to the store
              guess what i bought? i got me some plant designed socks. Spider plants they like to chill
               from the top of my window to the bottom of the sill. they like rain, they like sun, if i had the
              money id buy plants for everyone. so many colors so many leaves, be thankful to the plants cuz
              they help us breathe :0)