vicoden and the scottish play.

Things come and go but one thing's for certain. We're just players on a stage waiting for the final curtain, hurtin'

Time is borrowed. Tomorrow, tomorrow. Will there ever be an end to this constant sorrow? Blood drips like candle wax,

final act. We're not coming back. Reduced to artifacts as our light fades to black. We strut and fret upon the hour,

then we're devoured, by drowning showers sent from a higher power. Pain evoked through the somber notes

the final chapter he wrote before i ever spoke. Throughout time we sustain what seems an endless pain, but its

all too short like a candles brief flame. A shadow that was cast by a vestige from hour past. Tears fall like broken glass

but it all ends fast. Just a part of a design we're all on borrowed time but im gonna get mine before my light cease to shine.

Our seeds were sown long before they were planted, but as long as i'm standing i'll take nothing for granted as i'm dealing

with the cards that my life handed. Gonna rest in the peace which the world abandoned.



Things come and go but one thing's for certain, we're just players on a stage waiting for the final curtain, hurtin'

Life is hollow. Tomorrow, tomorrow. Will there ever be an end to this road we follow? Tears drip like autumn rain

no contained, reduced to sullen frames left with only our names. Stuck in a purgatory. Tales told of sound and fury.

Life's just a page in a never ending story. Lighting flash, i turn to ash. So it was written and shall come to pass.

Death is forever, but life fades fast. Never comin' back, Fuckin never back. Brief our existance in which time will yield.

Just a blade of grass amongst acres of field. Searching for love on a level much higher. Or will i just perish in a lake of fire.

Irrelevant my fate, i can't ignore the present. Life can be unpleasant but its a valuable lesson. I sit amongst the haze with

a sullen gaze longing for the day it all goes away. We all die, we all cease, we all disappear. Our end is near and the writing's

clear. Our seeds were sown long before they were planted but as long as i'm standing i'll take nothing for granted as i'm dealing

with the cards that my life handed. Gonna rest in the place which the world abandoned.

Shhhhhhhhhh :X

Distance. i can still hear. Reverberating in the depths of my fear. I put on my face so you think i'm ok. You put on your shoes, and you walked away.
My thoughts a cacauphony, damned by my autonomy. cant escape these sounds. Freedom;hope, been holding me down. Tied to the tracks, the commuters. they rail. The rage in their eyes. the unbalanced scale. I go back and forth, platform to port. searching for my worth but my journey's cut short. They celebrate my demise. ( my thoughts that is.) They dance on by fuckin high and synchronized. ive no balance. Chemicals are useless when you're the horse behind the wagon. The coarse blood from rusty stabbings. My thoughts at war, collateral damage. But with the austerity of hope i'll somehow manage.
I can no longer convince or mince the words between blunt force and subtle hints. im beginning to finally think ive been hit with the kitchen sink. As the chorus resounds, its with you i am found. You are the element in my sea of compounds. and im a bloody fool with wistfull molecules. combusting like atoms cuz i cant stop fucking loving you. Im tired of the mask. taking myself to task. dying on the inside cuz im living too fast. dreams dont last. Im the blood on the bandage. ive tried, i cant manage. The austerity of hope. has left me damaged.

untitled and unbridled love poem

This is flawed, but im real nervous. what makes it real is that its not perfect. what's on my mind? c'mon inside. its a cascade of sparks and light. set off by my thoughts of you tonite. a running beauty that makes my head dizzy but i will keep following till you are with me. please love, forgive me. my thoughts are not rated. i can taste your soul , ive longed and waited. the feel of you naked. your head on my chest,i melt with each breath. i dont wanna let go,dont wanna get dressed.our lips are soft pressed. see me for what i am, a man between sane and absurd.But a man who can love without speaking a word. my heart is beating,let us in. open your mind,soul,and skin. show me your sins. i want it all. and i'll recriprocate twice,escape from my thoughts and stay with me tonite. stay with me through duress, let me be the constant in your sporadic change of address. step out of my mind so that we can manifest.

what made me.

Lost beneath the screams. they validated the nightmare while ignoring my dreams. Their waves of ambivalence turned me to sediment. you want proof there's no god!? I'm the fuckin evidence. my mind is my residence, not theyd notice. a patched crack in the family tenemant. it's quiet, must mean he's here. grab another beer and drink till we think clear. weigh their problems on competing scales, " shut the fuck up, back to your room". feeding their monster while i starved to fail.
i couldnt even think when the fighting began. i jumped in my head and i ran and i ran. counting the days...the minutes the seconds, i forgot how to sleep, i ran out of weapons. my mind raced so fast i sped through the lessons. all that's left were the motions. crawling inside with the hope, the notion, that i would be free...but everything passed. i had no future because they ruined my past.
They swept me away when Rene had her way. 8 yrs 4 months and 22 days. She said "get on top" or i couldnt play. i did what she asked and masked my scare face. i did what was told, the letter, the pace. my mind wouldnt race, i was stuck in that place and no one kept me safe! I never had a say, mom was supposed to protect me. and even though she's always here on that day she fuckin left me. And i tried to speak, voice cracked and weak no issue pressed but her breast on my cheek. they never fought, cared what i thought. Lost in the shuffle, thoughts that are muffled, i dont know where i am, what to do, dan i dont love you. no past, present, future, no identity, just a forgotten severence. You want proof there's no god. I'm the evidence.

a poem. a poem from the deepest part of my soul.

i was gonna write a poem about how i still loved someone...but i changed my mind. gonna hand deliver it to her. for her eyes, heart and soul only. here is a depressing fucker.


there's an old clock that stops without cause. there's a moment in time i wish i could pause. A time when the ocean and sun met for tea, a time when the stars were lookin down on me. Im outta crayons but im drawin blood, there's a drought in my soul being drowned in the flood. And im so fuckin lost without you.....through the emptiest days, the clouds didnt play, they just sat still, cryin on my window sill. But i poured more, into my sores, i cut deep beneath the floor board's creak. Bury me, oh bury me, my angels gone, dont worry please. Im sure there's refreshments at the gate, dont stop me cuz you are too late. My mind made up, made of thoughts, made of dust from that old clock. But i cant pause, i must move on. got nowhere to go since she's been gone.

My new watch

i have a watch. it tells time. it tells people without watches to shut the fuck up and don't ask me what time it is. My watch isnt fat so it can have seconds. But dont dare tell it to wait a minute. I'm not saying im better than you because i have a watch, i'm just telling you to go fuck yourself. My watch is powerful because it controls time. Kiss its ass all you want and you wont get those hours or days back. Piss it off and it will drag and drag as you agonize feverishly until you go completely mad and start hitting yourself with frozen pork chops.

The worst thing you can do is waste time. It's like slapping my watch in the face with his dead mother watch. Seem, time is always there and if you don't appreciate it, it's gonna fuckin run out. And you won't be able to kill time, but it'll kill you. My watch is also stainless steel. keeps it protected. Because i respect the value of time. I appreciate the work my watch does because i dont have the fuckin time to build a time machine, go back to ancient egypt and learn how to make a sun dial. What the fuck would i do if it was a cloudy day?! Fuck you! respect time assholes. that is all.

is anyone really " ordinary"?

Probably my favorite movie. Atleast very high upon the list. " Ordinary People" starring Timothy Hutton, Mary Tyler Moore and Donald Sutherland. It deals with the perils of growing up depressed and how the family copes. It takes a realistic look at suicide and what makes a person want to go that road. Being a person who suffers from severe depression this film always brings out so many emotions in me. I won't deny there have been times where i could have easily seen my end. Even today, as an adult i have days where i expend all of my energy just to get the thought out of my head. I made a very serious effort to end everything when i was 24. It wasnt your typical cry for help type scenario. I didn't indicate to anyone and i filled myself with enough booze and pills i was certain i wouldn't wake up.
I woke up. Bloody and in pain. It didnt work, so i left it there. My instinct to live must have been stronger than my will to die that night. I don't think i could ever get that far again but because of my depression my brain does sometime tease me. But the instinct kicks in. and it does get tiring at times but this movie kinda helps because even in death there is no way out.
Right now in my life i have a million daggers stuck inside me. So much pain, sadness and abandonment. It's when the fight begins. Waking up and wanting to just lay there. Hoping i die in my sleep. Just getting out of my bed and dressed can be more demanding than my very fast paced and physical job. There's so much emptiness, loniless, redundancey. Makes me manic. makes me a little "off" but i guess the message in this movie is that there are no "ordinary people". and i can take some solace in that. i hope this makes sense.