is anyone really " ordinary"?

Probably my favorite movie. Atleast very high upon the list. " Ordinary People" starring Timothy Hutton, Mary Tyler Moore and Donald Sutherland. It deals with the perils of growing up depressed and how the family copes. It takes a realistic look at suicide and what makes a person want to go that road. Being a person who suffers from severe depression this film always brings out so many emotions in me. I won't deny there have been times where i could have easily seen my end. Even today, as an adult i have days where i expend all of my energy just to get the thought out of my head. I made a very serious effort to end everything when i was 24. It wasnt your typical cry for help type scenario. I didn't indicate to anyone and i filled myself with enough booze and pills i was certain i wouldn't wake up.
I woke up. Bloody and in pain. It didnt work, so i left it there. My instinct to live must have been stronger than my will to die that night. I don't think i could ever get that far again but because of my depression my brain does sometime tease me. But the instinct kicks in. and it does get tiring at times but this movie kinda helps because even in death there is no way out.
Right now in my life i have a million daggers stuck inside me. So much pain, sadness and abandonment. It's when the fight begins. Waking up and wanting to just lay there. Hoping i die in my sleep. Just getting out of my bed and dressed can be more demanding than my very fast paced and physical job. There's so much emptiness, loniless, redundancey. Makes me manic. makes me a little "off" but i guess the message in this movie is that there are no "ordinary people". and i can take some solace in that. i hope this makes sense.

:*(

dead inside. I'm dead inside. pain and sorrow behind my eyes. my stare is blank, life goes by. my heart sank. im fuckin dead inside. i'd rather not breathe, i'd rather not care for im choked up everytime i come for air. I shoulda stayed below, i shoulda saw the signs, i shoulda done more i'm fuckin dead inside. It's time i break the law that gravity applied, i was better off to hide cuz now im dead inside. Love died and brought me along. a final sigh and she was gone. Far beyond empty i can barely stand. No energy to fight, no hope to land. Falling further into the abyss. im just a grain of sand. A blade of grass in a burning field. I yield in solitude, i feel the tears slide, down they fuckin go i am dead inside. More than lost, more than gone. More than the urge to keep moving on. Every road, paved with gray, why does it always have to be this way? My muse stole my shoes i can't walk away. so i crawl to a place so dark and safe. i crawl to a place where i can't escape. It's where i'm bound, i won't be found. Im dead inside, inside the fucking ground broken is the heart who's love showed no bounds.im dead inside this rotting ghost town..
Why does the hurt supercede the joy? why did i believe that i couldnt be destroyed? and why can't i take the sage advice? i did this to myself i fuckin ruined my life. It doesnt matter how hard i tried, doesnt matter what's justified. when darkness and my eyes collide, they will know im dead inside......dead inside fuckin dead inside.

he said sorry.

into the empty room, i felt it get cold. so quiet i feared my thoughts would be heard. i sat in the corner and waited. Hours past, not a shadow or a ghost, a mere gust of wind tapping the window. Nothing. Didn't know if i liked this room or not. Didn't feel compelled to leave. Felt kinda drawn their. Like i was supposed to be  all along. Images from my mind began projecting on the wall. Like as if my life were flashing before my eyes. I saw people, events, places all going by in a peaceful motion as if to give me the time to soak each memory in. Some good, some bad. I saw much regret. i saw people who i hurt. I saw myself. I tried to say sorry to each image as it was being projected. Hoping they would hear me. Hoping i could give them a little peace. They saw me but did not acknowledge my words. The walls in the room started closing in and the images began showing on all 4 of them. Intertwining. All my mistakes assualting me in a chorus of " how could you's?" and "why!?"  It got to the point where i couldn't breathe. Everything was so close i couldnt turn around. I wanted to turn around, i wanted to leave, i wanted to escape. Everything stopped!................


Goodnite :)

amnesia. December 2002.

i wrote this a while back when i finally accepted the realization that people just don't care. They take what they need. Smash your skull in, and walk around like everything's roses. They expect you to be ok with everything. They don't wanna accept that they caused another person harm because god forbid they look like assholes infront of other people. This girl was a complete asshole. However i respect her greatly for atoning years later. But she inspired probably my favorite poem ive written. It's called amnesia. I dont forget, do you?

 It's like amnesia, she walks right by and doesn't see ya. You're just a vestige of a forgotten message, heart left in the wreckage as she floats by like wind. Nothing to rescind as uncertainty begins. Distilled from her memory, left with a vacancy painstakingly and achingly breaking me. Wondering where the fuck time was taking me. T'was like day and nite. first sparks ignite, then the fading light, a forgone conclusion i blocked from my sight. But deep down the silent voice was always right.

The thoughts of her still exist. Haunting caucophonus, how could she be so oblivious and just walk from this?! Her image ominous, a simple greeting drenched in awkwardness. If only my memory were bottomless you'd be fuckin gone from it. Into the pit of thoughts i fall to bits. A warm embrace replace by a hidden face. Conveniant amnesia to suit her taste. Well taste the rejection and loniliness as you're laid to waste, reduced to writing that i scripted in haste. Don't let my cold heart freeze ya, im just that broken thought behind the clouds of amnesia.


the song i posted was written and recorded for her that year. i was wicked drunk and knew it would piss her off. She actually ended up liking it and it became the fav. song of those who heard my solo demo back in 2003.

karma police

Karma is a piece of crap. it won't leave me alone. just when i think it's safe to take a peek i get smashed in the eye by karma. Like most people i've made some mistakes, bad decisions, hurt a few people along the way. But ive grown and have definately paid for those transgressions, yet im still getting the shit kicked out of me on a daily basis. I can't breathe without a swarm of wasps stinging my tonsils. i cant be in peace. i dont want harm for anyone. i just wanna go through life peacefully. And as i do that karma jams a fishhook in my rectum and pulls me back down. I don't know what else to do. I don't know where else to turn. Seems the more honest and decent i try to live the further down i am pulled. Maybe im not being honest and dont know it? i dunno. all i know is that i can handle a whole shit ton thrown at me, as i have for the better part of my life. But this shit has seemed to take orbit around me and won't leave me the fuck be. I see only one way out of this. Maybe then shitty ass karma will get off my case. I guess on the positive side it shows i have some type of strength but treading water in a sea of desolation isnt exactly my idea of living.
The thing that gets me the most is karma lulling me into a place of contentment. Where i feel safe, loved, happy and just as i get to the point where i feel like i'm home, this vindictive motherfucker drags me back to where i started. Over gravel, over glass, over flames, over broken pictures of any good memory it's destroyed. You won't find me where i'm going karma. So go fuck yourself. and my deepest apolagies to anyone that ive caused pain to in my life. i was selfish and inconsiderate and you all deserved better. I never lived to my potential and ive let so many down. i guess that's why karmas up my ass like a drug sniffing dog at a columbian airport. I take full responsibility, but if karma were a person i would beat its ass unmercifully. oh well. fast as fast can be, you'll never catch me ...................MEEP MEEP!

i mean it sure seems alot messier because eggs rot.

i know the end will be happy. it's just the waiting part that's killing me. But i gotta do my part. My back will never turn. April is "poetry month". or so says the internet. so i will make a poem.


the burning oak, the scented smoke. the cricket's chirp, the frogs croak. sitting on the back porch, the greatest view was her of course. talking, watching day give way so the owls and the shadows could come out to play. The sun gave a fond farewell, we smoked a cigarette, night fell... into the river, into the river i watched the moon rise in her eyes upon the river. There's a word for it ( love) but it's not good enough for her, its a feeling, a mind reeling, a butterfly with colors so appealing my heart jumps from my chest and bursts through the ceiling and crashes down wrapped in a bow. with a letter attached so you will know. i will wait, i won't wither, for something stronger than a word will keep us together. the sun will rise onto the river, onto the river. i watched a new start, from the light in her heart upon the river.