Sometimes i just wanna eat a bunch of pills and smash the bottle over my head until i bleed out a chemical spill. I'm a walking time capsule buried in my thoughts. If I'm just a moment in time i'd rather smash the clock. Sometimes i'd rather be forgot, because your memory is my memory and that's all of you that i got. I see the future and i am its past. Sometimes i wish i were the beach where your waves crashed instead of a cracked image in a faded photograph.
Sometimes i wanna lose my temper, walk in to a crowded building and..Fuck! i can't remember. Sometimes i take too many pills and that's why i can't remember. Sometimes i don't wanna remember because the eyes are still tender. Melting through an endless reel of my soul being dismembered. Sometimes i wanna be weak. I find myself floating above the stairs cuz i cringe everytime i feel the wood creak. Stop noticing me, I'll be gone in a blink, don't speak of me, sometimes i wish i didn't think. Sometimes i don't remember.
Sometimes all it takes is a picture to stall the machine as the human inside tries to wipe the face clean. I hate to impede, but sometimes i wish you were here so you could watch me bleed. Stop me please. Sometimes i scratch the surface of your forgotten hypothesis and realized you were right, that i was the remedy. Sometimes i take more pills. Sometimes i boil water till my imaginations overfilled. Sometimes i pine for atrophy, and sometimes i kill my shadow as i sleep happily. Sometimes i can love. Sometimes i cough blood. sometimes i listen for clues to remember what i was, but the current never comes back. All i hear is foaming waves sweeping rocks under the pedals from the lilacs. sometimes i don't remember.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Saturday, December 6, 2014
#Icantbreathe
I can't breathe. It's more than just the asthma and floating ragweed.
I can't breathe. It's the humanity dying right in front of me,
the inanity constricting on the throats of our sanity.
I can't breathe. It's the tears I'm choking back,
our streets are painted black with red filling in the cracks and i'm not ok with that.
I can't breathe. Has anyone seen my inhaler? don't shoot just reaching for air. but you wouldn't care.
I can't breathe. there's too much pollution. Sorry Darwin, but humans have suffocated your theory of evolution.
I can't breathe. you've chopped all the trees, should have swung at the knees, if only he were lighter a few degrees.
I can't breathe. I've been coughing up blood. Serve and protect themselves well next of kin drops tears in mud.
I can't breathe. Justice is blind. Unless your skin's darker than mine. You're more likely to be fitted for a pine where as i'd just pay a fine. Sweet Lucy, never meant for this.
I can't breathe. cuz the rich are making money hand over fist. While they watch us kill each other so that they can exist.
I can't breathe. How can one be safe? when the people we elect blame the victims who are raped. The people who "protect" us won't allow air to escape. time to rename it the United Police States.
I can't breathe. Way too much hate. 11 times he pleaded, why'd you have to subjugate? You broke an oath, and now a family. My fists are up, you don't fucking scare me.
I can't breathe. It's the humanity dying right in front of me,
the inanity constricting on the throats of our sanity.
I can't breathe. It's the tears I'm choking back,
our streets are painted black with red filling in the cracks and i'm not ok with that.
I can't breathe. Has anyone seen my inhaler? don't shoot just reaching for air. but you wouldn't care.
I can't breathe. there's too much pollution. Sorry Darwin, but humans have suffocated your theory of evolution.
I can't breathe. you've chopped all the trees, should have swung at the knees, if only he were lighter a few degrees.
I can't breathe. I've been coughing up blood. Serve and protect themselves well next of kin drops tears in mud.
I can't breathe. Justice is blind. Unless your skin's darker than mine. You're more likely to be fitted for a pine where as i'd just pay a fine. Sweet Lucy, never meant for this.
I can't breathe. cuz the rich are making money hand over fist. While they watch us kill each other so that they can exist.
I can't breathe. How can one be safe? when the people we elect blame the victims who are raped. The people who "protect" us won't allow air to escape. time to rename it the United Police States.
I can't breathe. Way too much hate. 11 times he pleaded, why'd you have to subjugate? You broke an oath, and now a family. My fists are up, you don't fucking scare me.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
post script.
It's all gone wrong, man. Everything's been corrupted and destroyed beyond reproach. Something as so simple as loving yourself and others as we go through our brief journeys on this plain. We're just visitors. Tourists who are supposed to be enjoying the scenery and the company of others. We took something so simple and we smashed it into a billion complex pieces and watched it bleed into our descendant's purity, and we did nothing. We're all gonna die, man. Why hand this great gift over to our progeny as it crumbles in flames? Flames we lit because we would rather no one have, if we couldn't have. We were given everything and we still wanted more. We burned this place to the ground because we wanted more. We killed our own species for more. We trampled the scenery and stabbed our mother earth in the heart with industry and the notion that prosperity meant taking from something without giving back.
They ate at the table with kings while millions outside their doors starved. They raised the cost but stripped us of our value. They gave us the scraps to appease and distract. They gave us shiny objects to look in to while they robbed, raped and murdered us. They put us against each other while they sat on their thrones of ivory and laws and counted their money, while discounting us.
The meek didn't inherit the earth. The earth inherited the meek. And i laugh. I laugh because all the sheep walking in a straight line, believing they are free, are headed to their own slaughter. Deep down they know this, but they've grown so complacent, and defeated that they no longer know better. They trudge aimlessly toward the hell they created. This is the hell they built, bled and died over. This is the hell they were told they'd never see because they were sold a dream. They were sold a dream and a handful of beans. All they had to do was offer their soul and allegiance to the nameless, faceless machine. They gave their values, dignity, sweat and tears for a drunk promise. And when they had nothing left, that nameless faceless machine marched them towards hell. There was no fight. No dissent.
Up until that final step before they were pushed in to that polluted, fiery ravine they still believed they were free. They believed they were doing the right thing. For some greater good, that was nor great or good. And as they rotted below the machine grew stronger. The machine had more, and with less to share it with. (Not that they would share to begin with.) That brass ring they hung above was nothing more than a door handle to the draw bridge that would crush us before we could reach our promised land. We became the rock garden. The stepping stones. Fighting and killing for what we don't need, because they convinced us we needed. They need us and we didn't see that. We were the numbers. We were the strength. They had the paper. Silly little paper that we let weigh us down. We let drown us in debt. We were scared of their paper. We foolishly wanted their paper. We wanted to be the machine.
And they fed off our hope and spit us back out in to the ashes.
It's gone now, man. The hope, the strength. The buzzards circle over humanity and i sit on the edge of a cliff with my bottle of pills and a notebook. I never wanted their paper. I was just happy to be here. To visit. They can push me off the cliff into the sea of broken promises. But my hope stays with me. They couldn't kill that. I never had so i never wanted. When I'm old and grey, breathing my last mist. I will shut my eyes in defiance because i never lived blind. My death will mean that i lived. It will be a "fuck you" to the nameless, faceless machine. Even though it's gone now. The last shred of humanity in the world. I've got something they can't take. Something you can't buy, or kill, or discriminate against. I got something you can't oppress. I've got a goddamn soul. And may it carry on through the universe like a lone butterfly threading a needle. I didn't let the world corrupt me.
They ate at the table with kings while millions outside their doors starved. They raised the cost but stripped us of our value. They gave us the scraps to appease and distract. They gave us shiny objects to look in to while they robbed, raped and murdered us. They put us against each other while they sat on their thrones of ivory and laws and counted their money, while discounting us.
The meek didn't inherit the earth. The earth inherited the meek. And i laugh. I laugh because all the sheep walking in a straight line, believing they are free, are headed to their own slaughter. Deep down they know this, but they've grown so complacent, and defeated that they no longer know better. They trudge aimlessly toward the hell they created. This is the hell they built, bled and died over. This is the hell they were told they'd never see because they were sold a dream. They were sold a dream and a handful of beans. All they had to do was offer their soul and allegiance to the nameless, faceless machine. They gave their values, dignity, sweat and tears for a drunk promise. And when they had nothing left, that nameless faceless machine marched them towards hell. There was no fight. No dissent.
Up until that final step before they were pushed in to that polluted, fiery ravine they still believed they were free. They believed they were doing the right thing. For some greater good, that was nor great or good. And as they rotted below the machine grew stronger. The machine had more, and with less to share it with. (Not that they would share to begin with.) That brass ring they hung above was nothing more than a door handle to the draw bridge that would crush us before we could reach our promised land. We became the rock garden. The stepping stones. Fighting and killing for what we don't need, because they convinced us we needed. They need us and we didn't see that. We were the numbers. We were the strength. They had the paper. Silly little paper that we let weigh us down. We let drown us in debt. We were scared of their paper. We foolishly wanted their paper. We wanted to be the machine.
And they fed off our hope and spit us back out in to the ashes.
It's gone now, man. The hope, the strength. The buzzards circle over humanity and i sit on the edge of a cliff with my bottle of pills and a notebook. I never wanted their paper. I was just happy to be here. To visit. They can push me off the cliff into the sea of broken promises. But my hope stays with me. They couldn't kill that. I never had so i never wanted. When I'm old and grey, breathing my last mist. I will shut my eyes in defiance because i never lived blind. My death will mean that i lived. It will be a "fuck you" to the nameless, faceless machine. Even though it's gone now. The last shred of humanity in the world. I've got something they can't take. Something you can't buy, or kill, or discriminate against. I got something you can't oppress. I've got a goddamn soul. And may it carry on through the universe like a lone butterfly threading a needle. I didn't let the world corrupt me.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
The things that i miss.
So tired. I miss the Laundromat with the wooden panel walls. I miss the simplicity, my tape deck , and searching. I miss walking through a crowd and breathing. I miss yelling across the street to greet someone i hadn't seen in ages. I miss the future. I miss losing my voice. I miss walking trails and looking up. The smell of moldy rocks, damp leaves, and the sun using its appendages to peek through the branches. I miss that sinking feeling when rejection approaches. I miss using my senses.
I miss riding my bike while eating a slice of pizza and not telling anyone about it. I miss holding photographs and reliving what they captured. I miss being there. I miss looking at my wrist watch for the time, or getting an idea based on the tides. I miss stopping and taking a minute. I miss waiting, anticipation and spontaneity. I miss not being angry at the over abundance of information, negativity, and social climate change being wired into my conscience by a billion electron beams from a billion sources of media. I miss knowing, but being able to escape in to a state of reality with the simple bounce of a basketball or the flick of a light switch.. I miss the sound of my pick-up truck's tires crushing pebbles on unknown roads. I miss mystery. I miss calling a friend. I miss simplicity. So tired.
I miss riding my bike while eating a slice of pizza and not telling anyone about it. I miss holding photographs and reliving what they captured. I miss being there. I miss looking at my wrist watch for the time, or getting an idea based on the tides. I miss stopping and taking a minute. I miss waiting, anticipation and spontaneity. I miss not being angry at the over abundance of information, negativity, and social climate change being wired into my conscience by a billion electron beams from a billion sources of media. I miss knowing, but being able to escape in to a state of reality with the simple bounce of a basketball or the flick of a light switch.. I miss the sound of my pick-up truck's tires crushing pebbles on unknown roads. I miss mystery. I miss calling a friend. I miss simplicity. So tired.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
a recipe for hate.
It's not often that i have a moment of clarity. Usually I'm ranting about what wrestling moves I'm going to do on people who piss me off or I'm talking about what MILF shopper at my work i want to copulate with on either a bouncy house or their $6000 couch. But today I came home from work and just took a deep breath. Soaked the world in. I see a lot of chaos, destruction, sadness, injustice and a LOT of hate. I'm not a perfect man. I am the contrary. I have sporadic outbursts, irrational thoughts and misdirected rage. I manifest all that through impulsive writing or actions that usually express my discontent with the human race. Despite my apparent disdain and dislike for most i DO NOT have hate in my heart. For anyone.
Hate is the action of fear when people fail to investigate their fear with an open mind. Hate is when you deny yourself the alleviation of fear by simply accepting that not everyone is the same. Hate is turning outward what you let dwell inward. Facing a fear can be difficult and encompassing. It doesn't make you weak if you realize you were wrong. It makes you human. It means you're learning and that is part of the process of evolution and growing as a species. Learn about your neighbor, your community and those who look different than you. Take a few moments to actually get to know another person and all that fear will be washed away. Your anger will subside and soon peace will dwell inward. That's what everyone wants i reckon.
We're all working toward something, there's just so many different ways to get there. Just because my way may not be the same as yours doesn't make you better, or me a bad person. It just works for me. And if something works for you, good. We all want peace in our lives. We all have a struggle that we go through daily to achieve that peace. And i can't hate someone for believing different than me. I can't hate someone for preaching different than me, or liking different food, women, sports, music, art than me. Because stripped down, we all just wanna feel complete. We all wanna be loved. We all just wanna make it through the day. Why can't you just let someone make it through the day?
That racist asshole in the white robe who fucks his sister and his dog on the back porch every night, he wants peace. He doesn't realize that the men he hates work as hard as him to support their families and do them right. He doesn't realize that those same men struggle to make ends meet and are being held down by the same green giant that is crushing 99% of us year in and year out.
That young kid on the street corner slinging dope in one of those cool black puffy jackets that i can't afford, he wants peace. He's just been disenfranchised by a society that labels him before he even knows who he is himself. He's put in a cycle where no one expects anything more of him than slinging dope and residing in jail cells. He's just slinging dope to help his mom out because she's working two jobs to support the family cuz dad skipped out. He's trying to better his family and bring himself peace despite the bullshit label put on him by the 1% who tossed him and his kind out to sea without a life raft then turned their yachts back to shore. Despite that all, these people who are completely different get up each day and defy the odds. They show heart and courage. Their fear and hate hold them back and this is why it's important to the man in the white robe and the kid on the corner that they're not all that different. They're just trying to get by. Different approaches but both desire the same result. We can all achieve that result if we just move that fucking barrier between us labeled "hate".
Different groups of people have hurt others for centuries on over. Inexcusable hurt. Ignorant, deplorable fucks. But we can't judge one person based on what a group of people have done. We can't let that near sightedness be the nail we drive in our coffins. It's so goddamn easy to say " I hate all fucking Muslims. They're nothing but terrorists who want to cut our heads off and take away our bacon!" You can't judge an entire people based on their bad seed's acts. And for the record, i don't even hate the bad seeds. It's too much effort.
I can't occupy what little i have on this earth dwelling on those who have hurt me. No matter what, i will fight them with love. I will punch them in the fucking face if they get too close, but i will still love them. My ex wife cheated on me on my fucking birthday and when i called her on it she tossed me aside and left me to start my life over from the fucking depths of hell. I literally had nothing and she continued to pile on coal to the flames. I climbed back, and i still love her. The Nurse who was THE one destroyed my heart and soul and ruined me for all other women, but i still love her, because she loved me like no one on this earth ever has. She was there. She hates me now, but that's her burden. Same for the ex-wife. I should hate them. I should super kick both of them off the Empire State Building onto a burning taxi cab, but the hate is too consuming. I should hate my father for walking out before my first Christmas and then barely showing up when i was a child. I don't. I love him. I watched him die and told him i love him. I could have easily told him what a piece of shit he was. What a lousy parent, and shit provider he was. I could have told him he wasn't a man and then curb stomped him on the bumper of Dodge Ram. Not even that fucking cunt Renee Julien who molested me when i was 8. Stole my fucking innocence and got away with it. I don't and can't hate her. I fucking pity her because she will live an empty goddamn life and wilt away into dust like the kind she smokes. I could punch her in the face in rage but I don't have that kind of energy, man.
I may hate what someone did, but i will not hate them. Blacks, Whites, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, Latinos (and even those fucking nut job Mormons who probably need some kind of psych meds and electro shock therapy to make them wake up and realize they're idiots. ) Russians and so on all want peace. Just in different ways. We have to accept the other's ways. We don't have to like their methods, and we don't have to use their methods. And maybe one day, if everyone breaks down their self imposed barriers and sees that we're all just trying to get by on this planet we can come to a common and shared method that doesn't include hate or intolerance. Just the basics: Love, compromise and sex. Thank you for reading!
Hate is the action of fear when people fail to investigate their fear with an open mind. Hate is when you deny yourself the alleviation of fear by simply accepting that not everyone is the same. Hate is turning outward what you let dwell inward. Facing a fear can be difficult and encompassing. It doesn't make you weak if you realize you were wrong. It makes you human. It means you're learning and that is part of the process of evolution and growing as a species. Learn about your neighbor, your community and those who look different than you. Take a few moments to actually get to know another person and all that fear will be washed away. Your anger will subside and soon peace will dwell inward. That's what everyone wants i reckon.
We're all working toward something, there's just so many different ways to get there. Just because my way may not be the same as yours doesn't make you better, or me a bad person. It just works for me. And if something works for you, good. We all want peace in our lives. We all have a struggle that we go through daily to achieve that peace. And i can't hate someone for believing different than me. I can't hate someone for preaching different than me, or liking different food, women, sports, music, art than me. Because stripped down, we all just wanna feel complete. We all wanna be loved. We all just wanna make it through the day. Why can't you just let someone make it through the day?
That racist asshole in the white robe who fucks his sister and his dog on the back porch every night, he wants peace. He doesn't realize that the men he hates work as hard as him to support their families and do them right. He doesn't realize that those same men struggle to make ends meet and are being held down by the same green giant that is crushing 99% of us year in and year out.
That young kid on the street corner slinging dope in one of those cool black puffy jackets that i can't afford, he wants peace. He's just been disenfranchised by a society that labels him before he even knows who he is himself. He's put in a cycle where no one expects anything more of him than slinging dope and residing in jail cells. He's just slinging dope to help his mom out because she's working two jobs to support the family cuz dad skipped out. He's trying to better his family and bring himself peace despite the bullshit label put on him by the 1% who tossed him and his kind out to sea without a life raft then turned their yachts back to shore. Despite that all, these people who are completely different get up each day and defy the odds. They show heart and courage. Their fear and hate hold them back and this is why it's important to the man in the white robe and the kid on the corner that they're not all that different. They're just trying to get by. Different approaches but both desire the same result. We can all achieve that result if we just move that fucking barrier between us labeled "hate".
Different groups of people have hurt others for centuries on over. Inexcusable hurt. Ignorant, deplorable fucks. But we can't judge one person based on what a group of people have done. We can't let that near sightedness be the nail we drive in our coffins. It's so goddamn easy to say " I hate all fucking Muslims. They're nothing but terrorists who want to cut our heads off and take away our bacon!" You can't judge an entire people based on their bad seed's acts. And for the record, i don't even hate the bad seeds. It's too much effort.
I can't occupy what little i have on this earth dwelling on those who have hurt me. No matter what, i will fight them with love. I will punch them in the fucking face if they get too close, but i will still love them. My ex wife cheated on me on my fucking birthday and when i called her on it she tossed me aside and left me to start my life over from the fucking depths of hell. I literally had nothing and she continued to pile on coal to the flames. I climbed back, and i still love her. The Nurse who was THE one destroyed my heart and soul and ruined me for all other women, but i still love her, because she loved me like no one on this earth ever has. She was there. She hates me now, but that's her burden. Same for the ex-wife. I should hate them. I should super kick both of them off the Empire State Building onto a burning taxi cab, but the hate is too consuming. I should hate my father for walking out before my first Christmas and then barely showing up when i was a child. I don't. I love him. I watched him die and told him i love him. I could have easily told him what a piece of shit he was. What a lousy parent, and shit provider he was. I could have told him he wasn't a man and then curb stomped him on the bumper of Dodge Ram. Not even that fucking cunt Renee Julien who molested me when i was 8. Stole my fucking innocence and got away with it. I don't and can't hate her. I fucking pity her because she will live an empty goddamn life and wilt away into dust like the kind she smokes. I could punch her in the face in rage but I don't have that kind of energy, man.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
everything in perspective.
I used to love sailing until my ship floated on. Now i'm nauseous by the waves and the shore they crash upon.
I'm sure I've crashed along with the throngs of misguided souls following an out of key siren's song. Blinded by the guise that the wheel would always roll. I was wrong,
but how i loved you, you could never know, because weakness is a virtue i chose not to show.
I still battle today. Standing guard over an invisible shell upon the graves where the decaying memories dwell.
Shit, i wasn't even after thought. Living off the radar counting empty spots in an abandoned parking lot. Read between the lines. You may always be the one, but you're ten minus nine.
I'm sure I've crashed along with the throngs of misguided souls following an out of key siren's song. Blinded by the guise that the wheel would always roll. I was wrong,
but how i loved you, you could never know, because weakness is a virtue i chose not to show.
I still battle today. Standing guard over an invisible shell upon the graves where the decaying memories dwell.
Shit, i wasn't even after thought. Living off the radar counting empty spots in an abandoned parking lot. Read between the lines. You may always be the one, but you're ten minus nine.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Exile
If i'm as cold as a glacier it's cuz you left me out at sea. I am that island sinking in your complacency. i don't wanna die from feeling of inadequacy, if i killed myself it would be so you would stop misplacing me. My veins burst like live wires while the heat's chasing me. as i melt like plastic wrap in your jaded memory.
i am more than just a figure of speech. I'm a hurricane meandering toward the beach. The climate's changed and i'm longer outta reach. I won't let you see my eye before I've made you obsolete. You believe in freedom , by not my right to speak? well please bend over and put your tongue in my cheek. I'm in exile, but i'm in great company.
There's a pencil sharpener on my wall. I keep my weapon primed. everyone wants a pound of flesh from a moment of my time, and when they get what they came for i'm exiled to sky lines. But when i pierce their brains with led , the words they spread wolf cries. Leave me to be devoured, in to the belly of the beast. Exiled in to freedom, thank you for killing me.
i am more than just a figure of speech. I'm a hurricane meandering toward the beach. The climate's changed and i'm longer outta reach. I won't let you see my eye before I've made you obsolete. You believe in freedom , by not my right to speak? well please bend over and put your tongue in my cheek. I'm in exile, but i'm in great company.
There's a pencil sharpener on my wall. I keep my weapon primed. everyone wants a pound of flesh from a moment of my time, and when they get what they came for i'm exiled to sky lines. But when i pierce their brains with led , the words they spread wolf cries. Leave me to be devoured, in to the belly of the beast. Exiled in to freedom, thank you for killing me.
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