The cat is on the bed. There's muffled sounds coming from the television downstairs. The wind is hitting the wood frames on the windows like a softly thrown bowling ball putting down the alley. I'm overthinking tonight because I'm feeling sort of lost. Not in a dismal way, but more of a reflective thought. The kind of thought that isn't analyzed before materializing. One that just appears and is immediately transcribed into word. I gave up being addicted to depression, but I don't deny myself the pleasure of looking inward. A healthy cleanse is all it is. I guess I'm a little tired as well. I'm at a massive peak of creativity and drive so my brain is gasping. I gotta embrace these peaks and milk them for all they offer since one never knows how long the muse visits. Being more levelheaded is huge for creativity both for art and other purpose. I've utilized it lots in building myself up. Working on aspects of my character that i felt needed growth and development. There is a long way to go, but i am enjoying this quiet thinking because it doesn't involve thoughts of harming myself, despair or a broken heart. I think when you secretly enjoy being depressed because it's a built in excuse for not succeeding or even trying at life you're doing just as much harm as you would by cutting your wrists.
I like that i can be alone with my thoughts and they can just be random. It's a good kind of somber because I truly love my life. I love everyone in and around my life. And once i let go of my addiction to being depressed I truly began to appreciate everyone and thing around me. Especially myself. I'm stuck with me forever so i gotta learn to love me.
I love the freedom my mind brings me now too. There's all these branches sprouting up. It's a slow, but fun process because I'm seeing and feeling the change every day. I am becoming life. I can sit back and reflect without falling into an unnecessary sadness. I allow other perspectives to cross paths in my mind. It is so quiet right now and i LOVE it. I can hear the smallest humming on my screens from the wind and fans blowing toward them. It doesn't take me to a dark place anymore. It's not scary, or hopeless. It's now. I love now.
I love that i can be lost in thought, swatting at butterflies in my mind as I'm smiling at my cat trying to fight the dust particles floating above my lampshade. I love that i can look deep inside my soul and realize that it found me. I love that i can flick my finger on my cheek and it sounds like a water drop. I love gum drops. There's trials in life that may make me angry or frustrated, but i love that i can turn those emotions into a creative expression where no one gets hurt. I love that my bathroom is 5 feet from my bed because i pee so often.
Even as I'm lost in thought, I'm here. The wind blowing through the leaves makes it sound like rain. This isn't a phase either. I checked. There are no more passing strangers. Just life in unison. I am Dan and I'm a future dead person.
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