I'm An Avoider: The Anti-Stalker.

I never understood stalkers. All that effort. All that time. I just can't. That's too much. I am tired just thinking about the energy a stalker expends in pursuit of a restraining order. Why go through all that? In the history of stalking has there ever been a case where the person falls in love with the masturbating guy in the bushes below her bedroom window? I am not cold hearted. I know what it's like to love, be in love and yearn. But the effort these stalkers go through is like a bottle of Xanax to me. A fucking hammock full of Ambien. With the internet stalking has been made that much easier too. But even doing all that research on someone is way too daunting. I would prefer to the internet for what it was meant to be used for: Wrestling websites, and buying things that don't involve me having to leave my apartment. I am not a recluse though. I'm just writing this so that every one knows that i am not a stalker. I am an AVOIDER.
If I'm in love with you, you will never hear from me, or see me. I am so lacking in effort that you may not even exist. I don't like heights so there's no goddamn way I am climbing a ladder to watch you brush your hair through your bedroom window. You probably have something shitty on the t.v. that would distract me from watching you brush your hair anyways and I would have wasted a courageous effort on Montel Williams selling life insurance.
I won't send you weird love shit in the mail either. Mainly because postage is expensive and i hate going to the post office because they always look at me like i ate their puppy, but I'm not even Vietnamese. Since I don't follow you online i don't even know what you like anyway. So i could send you something that you'd completely hate, or possibly be allergic too. You could die. I don't wanna kill though. I just wanna copulate with you and talk about X-Men. I love you, I just don't care. So I'm keeping my stamps to myself.
If you are a musician, or other artist that i love don't be alarmed. As much as I'm a fan of yours and know all your work front to back, I'm an avoider. To show you how much i love you I won't die for you. I will not make a video from an empty apartment proposing to you with a ring I stole off my dead grandmother while i plan out our future. I don't want a future with you. That would require disillusion.That's not who I am. Yes, if you ever wanted to copulate on your tour bus I would be ok with that, but it would require all your effort and none of mine. Basically you'd have to be Bill Cosby to get me to have sex with you. To further show i love you, when you're playing a show in town i go the bar next door and listen through the muffled walls just so i don't have to see you. Hell, you may be dead right now and I would have no idea because i don't search your name on Google every 18 seconds. If that isn't real love and dedication, then i don't what is. So please stop thinking that I'm thinking about you.

Future Dead Person.

The cat is on the bed. There's muffled sounds coming from the television downstairs. The wind is hitting the wood frames on the windows like a softly thrown bowling ball putting down the alley. I'm overthinking tonight because I'm feeling sort of lost. Not in a dismal way, but more of a reflective thought. The kind of thought that isn't analyzed before materializing. One that just appears and is immediately transcribed  into word. I gave up being addicted to depression, but I don't deny myself the pleasure of looking inward. A healthy cleanse is all it is. I guess I'm a little tired as well. I'm at a massive peak of creativity and drive so my brain is gasping. I gotta embrace these peaks and milk them for all they offer since one never knows how long the muse visits. Being more levelheaded is huge for creativity both for art and other purpose. I've utilized it lots in building myself up. Working on aspects of my character that i felt needed growth and development. There is a long way to go, but i am enjoying this quiet thinking because it doesn't involve thoughts of harming myself, despair or a broken heart. I think when you secretly enjoy being depressed because it's a built in excuse for not succeeding or even trying at life you're doing just as much harm as you would by cutting your wrists.
I like that i can be alone with my thoughts and they can just be random. It's a good kind of somber because I truly love my life. I love everyone in and around my life. And once i let go of my addiction to being depressed I truly began to appreciate everyone and thing around me. Especially myself. I'm stuck with me forever so i gotta learn to love me.
I love the freedom my mind brings me now too. There's all these branches sprouting up. It's a slow, but fun process because I'm seeing and feeling the change every day. I am becoming life. I can sit back and reflect without falling into an unnecessary sadness. I allow other perspectives to cross paths in my mind. It is so quiet right now and i LOVE it. I can hear the smallest humming on my screens from the wind and fans blowing toward them. It doesn't take me to a dark place anymore. It's not scary, or hopeless. It's now. I love now.
I love that i can be lost in thought, swatting at butterflies in my mind as I'm smiling at my cat trying to fight the dust particles floating above my lampshade. I love that i can look deep inside my soul and realize that it found me. I love that i can flick my finger on my cheek and it sounds like a water drop. I love gum drops. There's trials in life that may make me angry or frustrated, but i love that i can turn those emotions into a creative expression where no one gets hurt. I love that my bathroom is 5 feet from my bed because i pee so often.
Even as I'm lost in thought, I'm here. The wind blowing through the leaves makes it sound like rain. This isn't a phase either. I checked. There are no more passing strangers. Just life in unison. I am Dan and I'm a future dead person.