I often take great pride in being an island, and sort of wear it as a badge of honor. Some days i just can't bare it though. There really is the undesired loneliness that dwells in me and there's moments where i let it overcome me. I'm not saying this for compassion. Reassurance is nothing more than a passive aggressive barricade between who i am and who you think i am. Fear of being rejected for who i really am has made me in to an island. I still, at 36 years old am completely insecure and unsure of my role, and who I am supposed to be.
The thing i hate the most is that i know i am expressive, and frequently display it. Inside though, I know it makes me look crazy. And there is no bigger stigma in the world than being thought of as crazy. It means no one takes me serious, and I'm quickly dismissed from groups, cliques, teams, and so on. That can be a massive pill to swallow. To know that you don't fit in anywhere. Even with the outcasts. I am so alone, that sometimes my thoughts don't even speak to me. And my fear of rejection, and failure causes me to take my expressions to certain extremes because I'm trying to push people away so they can't get close enough to hurt me, or see my flaws and ridicule them. It's not that i wanna be alone. It's not that i don't like people. It's just that i feel so out of place no matter where i am, and who I'm with. Everyone seems so secure and certain about themselves and their decisions. Even if they're not, they create the appearance that their ducks are in a row, and their lives fulfilled.
I am so ashamed of my failures and shortcomings that even the scariest of masks can't hide it. I am too vulnerable for my own good. Again, i don't seek reassurance. I don't know what i seek. All i know is that this feeling, this weight of loneliness that accompanies me on this dead end walk is starting to hurt. How does one go one not loving themselves? Especially when I don't know who I am. How do i find my own comfort? I get so defeated by my own thoughts that i sleep the entire day when not working. I see others my own age and younger leading normal lives. Even if they're battling a war inside, they navigate the fiery maze with confidence.
I don't feel human. I go to pick up my son at his school and i don't feel human. I see all these parents gathered and talking to one another about sporting events, fundraisers, their kids grades etc. and I'm just a fly on the wall. Even if i try, i feel as if no one sees me at their level. Even close friends. Even when i try, i know I'm just a misplace grain of salt on the feast of life. Shades apart from any light.
To watch life pass me by from this vacant island is crushing. A crushing wave of hopelessness, and a sobering reminder that i feel like the sand that doesn't get pulled back in to the ocean. I feel stuck as you all move on. People I know starting families, owning homes, set in careers. I've isolated myself to the point that i may never discover a way off this island.
I don't know who I am, and there is nothing more lonely.
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