Mr Blunder's epic story. Volume 1

Once upon a time there lived a man called Mr. Blunder. Always bumpin into shit, crashin' cars, spillin cran juice all over his good trousers. His heart was there but his equilibrium, not so much. He lived below the Oak Tree on Maple street in Birch City. Little did he know his constant blundering would save the world. It all began at Mr. Acorns Grocers on Pine ave. Mr. Blunder was buying some seedlings for his garden and pickin up some fresh apples to make a pie for his Lovely. He owed her the pie since he accidently ripped the skin off her forehead while trying to help her wax her eyebrows. She was a kind woman. Beautiful clavicle and quick wit like no other. Her eyes could guide even the most lost of souls to shore. Even Mr. Blunder who got lost in his own kitchen was able to find her. And his kitchen was no larger than that of a dollhouse.
Well finishin up his purchase at Mr. Acorns an armed assailent entered the market. Demanding all the fresh vegetables and vegetable oil so he could fuel his eco-friendly nuclear bomb. Mr Acorn had no choice to oblige as he was staring down the barrel of a very large potato gun. Mr Blunder went into a panic. He promised he'd be home to his lovely by the 3rd hour after noon. He went and hid in the canned goods aisle hoping not to be seen so he could escape through the back exit. He fumbled an apple and in trying to catch it he knocked over the Chef Boyardee display. Cans went flying and rolling everywhere. one tripped up the assailent who then fell and bumped his head on Mr Blunders cast iron skillet. He brought it with him everywhere in case he felt the need to cook an egg. The evil man was out cold and was taken to jail by the police. Mr Blunder was a hero. Mr Acorn was so delighted he gave him a fresh baked apple pie to bring home to his lovely. He was also given a police escort to make sure he arrived home safe, unlike the last time when he thought a tree stump was a hidden door to the cookie factory. He went missing 6 weeks.
He finally arrived home with warm pie in hand for his lovely. She had heard of his heroism on the daily news and greeted him with a big hug and kiss. They enjoyed the pie together and watched the sunset in peace. He did however fall in the toilet again after thinking his reflection was a secret KGB agent mocking him. But his every so delightful lovely clean him up and got him to bed. They both fell asleep in contentment while watching Sleepless in Seattle. Mr Blunder had found his meg ryan so he could rest easy.

Twas a beautiful morn' in Birch City. Mr Blunder was excited to try on his new velcro sneakers. No more laces for him since he tripped and knocked that poor family off the Sycamore Valley mountains. He was only trying to snap a photo of the ever so allusive Perigrine Falcon but he'd aimed the camera backwards and flashed his eyes, tripped over his Reebok's laces and sent the nice family Willow, weeping over the mountain top.
But alas, a new day was upon him and he velcro'd up and was ready to help his Lovely. Her home was destroyed by a falling Redwood that was struck by lightning and hit by a drunk driver simultaneously. The driver was fine but Mr Blunder didn't know that so he went to help. He insisted upon bandaging the man but had no actual bandage so he wrapped him feverishly with aluminum foil. The man looked like a retarded moth trying to emerge from it's caccoon. Well, lighting loves aluminum and decided to strike this man several hundred times, burning his flesh and killing him. Turns out the drunk driver was wanted for several bank robberies, mattress tag rip-offs and the murder of a zoo monkey who looked too much like his abusive father. Mayor Crabtree was set to award Mr. Blunder with a medal of honor and a bottle of barbeque sauce for his cast iron skillet. The ceremonies were to be held after he helped his Lovely.
Mr Blunder spent hours moving all of his Lovely's belongings to her new home on Palm st. His Lovely was smart and bubble wrapped everything 2 times over. Including her supply of bubblewrap. After several strenuous hours the move was complete. Mr Blunder helped his Lovely set up her furniture and hang her photos. She was very pleased and ready to start her new life in her new home. They both got dressed extra fancy for the Mayor Crabtree's ceremony honoring Mr. Blunder. His Lovely had to button his shirt and tuck in his shirt as he'd hammered 3 of his fingers into the wall trying to hang pictures. He was grateful and gave his Lovely a special golden lady bug pin to wear on her dress. They walked hand in hand to the ceremony where he was honored as a hero. So excited, Mr Blunder pulled out his cast iron skillet and cooked his famous Peanutbutter Omlettes for the whole town. Was a great day indeed. A great day............

Today seemed like such a wonderful day for Mr. Blunder. He had planned a picnic atop Sycamore Mountain for he and his Lovely. First off to Mr. Acorns for fresh produce. Some Watermelon, fresh bread, sparklin water and delicious turkey and ham. Oh what a joyous picnic t'would be. He grabbed a few veggies to fry up on his skillet. On his walk back from Mr. Acorn's Grocer Mr. Blunder stumbled upon a poor injured fox. Caught in a bear trap was he. Mr Blunder reached down to loosen his leg. The fox was out but was limping like the town drunk who only months earlier walked fairly normal until he tripped over a rotary phone on his way to the john. Mr Blunder tried to help him too but ended up crushing his leg in a trash compacter as the man's odor led him to believe that the leg was just a soiled old carpet rolled up and ready for garbage. The man was actually grateful as it gave him even more of an excuse to drink. Numb the pain. He thanked Me Blunder by making him a wonderful quilt with pictures of Oxen and Yak playing Violin in Mongolia. Beautiful stitch work. Mr Blunder used it to keep him and his Lovely warm in the cold season.
Now the poor fox could barely walk so Mr. Blunder rushed him home to try and take care of the poor fellow. The fox must have been hungry as Mr Blunder carried him because he reached his head down and ate several babies on the way. No matter to Mr Blunder as the babies were loud criers anyway. Always woke him from terrific dreams of orchid fields and doves. He got the fox home finally where he made a splint out of 2 chair legs and an old wash cloth. He then gave the fox a shot of whiskey. He didnt want to miss his picnic with his Lovely so he set the fox up infront of the television with his bad leg elevated and gave him s'mores and cocoa. His Lovely was very proud of his good deed as she took his arm and walked along to what would be the greatest picnic ever. Mr Blunder had a great life. He was thankful and he made sure to tell that to his Lovely as he accidentally poured pesto sauce on her new blouse. She wasnt upset. That is true love.

Spring was vastly approaching in beautiful Birch City. Flowers in blossom, leaves on trees, fat girls in tank tops with their stomach fat dripping out of the bottom like a tube of tooth paste with a boulder on the end. Mr Blunder had awoken at his lovely's and put on his oven mitts to make their morning coffee. They were oven mitts with pictures of distorted clocks. Mr Blunder loved clocks! He swore to wear oven mitts when making coffee because he burns so easily. He once got 3rd degree burns after spilling iced coffee in his lap. He safely brewed their morning coffee and they had sat to enjoy it together. His lovely's new home was finally unpacked and furnished. Mr Blunder worked very hard to help her. Despite several visits to the emergency room and a limb reattachment things went really smoothly. Mr Blunder was so happy about spring because they could partake in outdoor adventures again. Cycling, hiking, bird watching and synchronized swimming. 
His Lovely seemed rather pensive. Mr Blunder was off to do some chores so he kissed her on the head and wished her well. He was off to Mr. Acorn's market to get some habenero peppers and bacon for his skillet. He had some extra money so he picked up some fresh flowers for his lovely and a bunch boxes of mint green tic tacs. Those were his favorites. As Mr. Blunder arrived home from his chores and his pit stop at the ER where he needed to get his skull stapled when a bear bit his head. It appeared the bear had a toothache and Mr. Blunder just wanted to help. Not only does he carry a skillet with him 24/7 but he also keeps a tarter scraper. The bear was grateful but it was in his nature to try and eat Mr. Blunder and Mr. Blunder was ok with that. 
As he arrived at his Lovely's all of his things were stuffed into his red carry-on bag with the wheels. His Lovely said that now that she had her own home she didnt need him around anymore. She wanted to start fresh with a clear head. Mr Blunder was crushed. Heartbroken. His soul was caving in amidst the crumbling walls of his life. Everything seemed so good. They were in-love. They finished each others sentences. Ate each others meals and Mr. Blunder even cleaned the toilet daily. She didn't care to negotiate. She closed the door and Mr. Blunder was left alone with just his red bag and green tic tacs. His eyes burned from his tears so he couldn't drive home. Mr Blunder walked 22 miles alongside Sycamore Mountain to his residence. Broken more than any of his bones after the hundreds of accidents he'd been in. More crushed than his femur after that time he tried to kick a building like a soccer ball. Walking alone and cold, Mr Blunder ate his green tic tacs. No thoughts, no emotions. Just walking and eating his green tic tacs.........

It had been weeks since Mr Blunder was left to wander the empty roads by his Lovely. On nothing but a steady diet of mint tic tacs he tried to forge ahead. His heart felt clamped. His soul was stagnant. He was lost. On the streets and in his thoughts. Under a blanket of darkness Mr Blunder felt warm. Vulnerable, he looked to the night and let unholy spirits occupy his vacant eyes. Walking from the light Mr Blunder had no fears. He came to an abandoned gas station. The wind was getting cold. He saw a container labeled "Anti-freeze". Thinking it would prevent hypothermia he consumed the bottle. He marched onward to nowhere. His head got light, his heart murmured. His stomach felt like it was under attack by locusts and magpies. He quickly faded in the woods beyond the Pine Cone Resevoire. 
When he finally came to there stood before him some kind of spirit. She called herself Milly. She came from the shadows of the brightest of lights. A summer dress with lilacs and a wonderful clavicle. Her job was to guide lost souls through the fog and haze to the eternal peace. So comforting was her voice and touch. Without question Mr Blunder followed her upward. She told him his pain was gone and he was finally free. She had given him his greatest gift ever. Milly the sweet angel spread her wings and flew back into the heavens. He would not soon forger Milly for saving his soul. 
The after life was nice. Mr Blunder saw many birds and giraffes and oak trees. He saw the fox he had saved that eventually met his death at the hands of a racist tornado. ( apparently foxes are the blacks of feral canines.) They shared some saltines and lemonade. The fox seemed so happy and at peace. Mr Blunder really liked this place. They even had self reliant vacuums that came by to clean up the saltine crumbs. Mr Blunder had decided he wanted to stay here. He wasn't going back to that dark place ever again. He wasn't ever going to allow his heart to be tortured again. He also liked that there was no need to urinate in the afterlife. He could drink what he pleased and as much as he'd like without having to pee every 11 seconds. Just as he found a cloud with a good view to reside upon he felt a tap. It was Milly. She came back for him. She needed to bring him back to life. It wasn't his time. She just wanted to give a glimpse into a better world so he would see that things would eventually end up ok. Her eyes were like two pristine lakes and her smile a gateway to utopia. He knew it would be tough but Milly promised she would be there in spirit always. She took him back to his home and birch city and bandaged his heart. She brought along her 3 legged dog because his fleas brought luck. With a renewed faith in humanity Mr. Blunder cooked them a fantastic meal in his skillet. Homemade tacos and beans. Milly had to return to work as an angel. Mr Blunder thanked her and watched in awe as she separated the clouds and ascended back to the afterlife. Mr Blunder had been reborn. And because he was so nice to Milly she made it so he only had to pee 4 times a day. His urine also came out in the colors of a rainbow. Mr Blunder was now ready for his next adventure.

Mr Blunder was in sort of a limbo. He just wandered along happily enjoying his life. He would stop at night and pick peppers in the wild and cook them in his skillet with deer. Now Mr Blunder loved animals and would never intentionally kill one, especially in an unfair fight. How a person can call hunting a sport is a mystery since the odds are against the animal. Mr Blunder HAD to kill the deer. apparently this deer had a major crack problem and had resorted to gang violence and armed robbery to support his habit. Held an AK-47 to Mr. Blunder's head, demanded his skillet, his hot peppers and his wallet. Mr Blunder may have been a tad clumsy and looked foolish with his one lazy eye, but he never backed down. He distracted the deer by sprinkling some crack on a tree stump. when the deer went to consume it Mr. Blunder smashed his brains in with his skillet. And since he didnt believe in wasting he cooked up the deer meat with his hot peppers and had a feast. He used the skin to make a belt, a skillet cover and a cowboy hat to impress potential new lovely's.

He stumbled upon a park where a bunch of people had gathered. They were all singing merrily and holding signs and complaining about something. Mr Blunder noticed a certain group quite upset. They were mad because the people in the giant buildings not knocked over by airplanes were taking all the money and not sharing. One man kept yelling at the men in suits that people were hungry and they had no food. He said that he was the voice for the hungry and was going to let everyone in the world know that people were hungry. Mr Blunder was confused as he saw the man doing all the yelling had some granola bars. dont see why he wouldnt share. Mr Blunder pulled out his trusty skillet and served deer meat to all those hungry. People were shocked that someone DID something instead of just complaining over and over and over and over again. Mr Blunder didnt care either way, he was just happy to help. 
Along came the police who must have heard the disturbance. They asked who was cooking and serving food without a permit. and like cowards the protestors pointed out Mr. Blunder. I guess they didnt wanna risk the chance of getting arrested and losing their shiny tablet devices and web cameras. The police upset by Mr Blunder having the nerve to treat people fairly peppered sprayed the shit out of him. Mr Blunder had no idea what the fuck pepper spray was. He thought the police were just being nice and feeding him his favorite vegetable as a sign of gratitude for him feeding the ingrate protestors. Mr. Blunder soaked in every last drop and smiled. He thanked the officers who seemed quite confused. Not too sure what to do next the police left to attend to actual real crimes taking place. i heard they stopped a murder! The protestors cheered Mr Blunder because he had withstood the police assault and ran them off. Mr Blunder didnt see it that way. He saw a bunch of hypocrites who wouldnt help him and made him the patsy because they didnt want the pepper spray to ruin their mp3 players. Mr Blunder was mild mannered but did not like being crossed.....He took out the AK that he grabbed from the deer he killed and shot and killed the entire crowd. Their Ipods were bloody and their ipads had skull fragments and brains all over. Blunder was the last man standing. He didnt like the city anymore. so he set out to leave.
As he was leaving a well dressed man from a giant building came out and thanked him and gave Mr. Blunder $4 Billion dollars. Mr Blunder was shocked but still called the man an asshole for stealing the money. He kept the money and brought it back to Birch City to take care of his friends. He was a true hero for DOING something. Mr Blunder felt alive and in control again :)

After several adventures to help ease his mind from the loss of his Lovely, Mr Blunder decided to return to his own home. The cold winds of winter were a reality check for all that was going on in Mr. Blunders life. This was the first time he was to open the door to his own home since he's lovely closed the door on him. Initially his heart sank into his stomach but thanks to the life preserver he swallowed as a child his heart floated back to its normal spot. He thought the preserver was a wintergreen lifesaver. His home was cold. In nature along with the temperature. Every step further in made the sound of a dying heartbeat. Creaking towards the lamp he turned it on so he may see. His home, much like his soul was completely empty. Bare cupboards and wilted flowers. even though he was home there wasn't any evidence of life inside the whole place.
his favorite chair now felt like a slice of stale bread. It was so quiet his thoughts feared materializing for they like all other life around Mr. Blunder might die. Mr. Blunder was beyond lonely. Milly was occupied with helping lost souls so he did not wish to bother her. He knew she had done all she could and there was no breathing life back into his dense spirit. He's run out of lighter fluid for his skillet so he just held it close in his stale bread chair. 
Mr Blunder was truly trapped in the corroded physical tomb that was now his body. No one and no where. He was that far off island that the sun never reached in its daily rotation. That last little ember by the abandoned camp sight. Everyone was in his past and there was nothing in his future. All his blunders left a trail of torn lives. Even with the best intentions he destroyed all that was beautiful around him. Even with an earnest heart and selfless actions, he burned more than he built. He drowned rather than shower. He didn't want to cause any more harm. He couldn't stand another loss. He couldn't face himself. He poured out his green tic tacs and ate the whole box. Slowly climbing the stale bread chair and tying his lovely's old cowboy belt around his neck. He felt Milly close by. The first bit of warmth he had felt in ages. He had reached the end of his rope and took that final step....He smiled at Milly and then was gone. As he traveled with the angel he took one last look back. a flower had grown where he last stood. Mr. Blunder had done something right! He was finally at peace.

This Bitter Chill

i walk into this home. this bitter chill. The sentimental tone. the air is distilled. the pretentious greet, the obligation. The none too discreet, the stated observations. The obvious lingers in ignorant's echoes. The body is in it, but the soul it won't let go. The fire since kindled into a pool of ash. The ghosts they all mingle at the sight of the crash. And you want to believe that there's meaning and substance, that there's growth and abundance but the sun soon sets as the hope dies in dozens.
Life is a murder and god left the scene as we lay in millions, can't count on our dreams. He slaughtered the sheep, and now we can't sleep. blood in the sockets, the lint from my pockets and the thoughts that won't stop it. The flood's on its way. But you can't clean secrets, don't ask where i keep it. Won't find where to bleach it cuz the stain shall remain. I walk from this house, no bags on my arm. No looks over shoulder, no good luck charm. Free from the pageant, the lonely and stagnant. Free from constriction to complete my submission.My eternal inscription. There's no more prescription. No vulnerable convictions, no feigning descriptions of an ideal non fiction.
now  I walk from this road with no shadow in tow, no weeping willow. No feet swing below. i walk a free man, a being, a soul. From beatings i go. From seedlings i grow.

he walked away

follow the shadows into the abyss. Off the cliff, rocks soaked in mist as water and your body hit. 

The splash deflecting off the gull's wing tip as the horizon and skyline split. Split in two, dichotomous, the fable and the baby blue. i thought it was through. Paul bearers carried my memory of you in to the forest of ghosts where all was eschewed. My path was renewed and my conscience was clear. Now the shadows are my walls and the echoes are my ears. Beneath the fallow soil as the sun eviscerates the clouds. burning flower pedals sending life back to the ground.

Manipulate the past just to justify your future as you stipulate the facts into parables to suit ya' . I'm not what they thought, i'm a glitch in the computer. A wrench in the cog, i'm a knife that'll shoot ya' . But i took the high roads where the sky goes, To a place that only i know. You were buried in my memory and burnt by happy pyros. And as i'm resting peacefully where the shaded trees lay, i still hear you call my name since you made me walk away. i feel tremors from your blame but i've cleaned all the stains. I'm at the bottom of the top but i can't complain. Happy as a meadow giving life her terrain. he walked away from life to rise once again. 

out of chances....

my best chances have gone down the drain like tears in blood stains. Hanging my head in a cold shower looking at it all fall apart, the linoleum is giving me a concussion, my face and wall the percussion. now my skull broke a pipe and there's a leak and a massive eruption of blood and defeat. Where will i eat? where will i lay and hear the floor boards creek? where will i have a seat that's not cushioned by cardboard and concrete?  Where will the spark and engine meet? or will it be the steel and the vain that make the cycle complete. Inside my mind is a dangerous landscape. land mines and the strangest people with secret handshakes. ive got a stomach ache and a loose canon aimed at my own face. I don't know the password and they're about to amputate. Sever my mind from my body and set me free into a maelstrom of all the racing thoughts that fell off track in a hailstorm , dejected memories come crashing at my feet, i know i failed lord. Let me slip through the cracks with broken shadows and slide under the tombs of the pharaohs to a place where hopes and dream congregate. let it be my resting place. My respite from the python necklace that gripped my throat from birth all the way to this morning's breakfast. My best chances have sailed into the dead river. I hang my head beneath the branch and close my eyes forever.