It has been established and very well known for some time that I am a highly neurotic person. I think everything I have is AIDS. And I'm not trying to be funny. I will get a cold and assume it's AIDS. I will have a headache and think I'm having an aneurism. I also drink 2 gallons of cranberry juice a week because I think anytime my sides hurt I've got kidney stones. Any time I see an old guy in a B.U.M. Equipment sweatshirt walking by me with a piece of paper I get in fighting stance because I'm certain he's about to serve me those papers and I'll be forced to go to court again. My apologies to all the old, recovering alcoholic men I have assaulted because I mistook them for a process server. But my neurosis sets me off. Here are some other things that cause me to go into a neurotic episode.
People with down syndrome eating: Nothing against people with down syndrome. My work buddy Derek has down syndrome and he's awesome because he loves Big Daddy Kane and the Petshop Boys. I just can't watch him eat. I get these weird twitch. I can't control it. My lazy eye reverberates and my left cheek gets numb. They always eat egg salad. ALWAYS. And when they chew it's like water logged boots stepping on a carpet. I can't take it. I'm freaking out just describing it. I'm gonna take 3 Bayer so I don't have a heart attack.
People who scratch their legs while wearing corduroy pants: When I hear that sound it sends an electroshock up the side of my neck. I lose control of my muscles. I can actually physically feel the sound. It's so dry, like sandpaper massaging my nerves. People need to stop wearing corduroys. I feel like I'm seizing every time someone scratches them. The same thing applies to the sound of a windbreaker rubbing against itself when someone power walks. I become a new animal. I lose all control and time and I've probably had several strokes because of it. I'm doing a stroke test right now to make sure I'm not having one. I want to cut off people's fingers. Please only buy jeans and wear a t-shirt when you run.
People who look at me in the waiting room: I can feel their eyes on me. I purposely keep my face buried in a magazine to avoid any interaction with the psychopaths in the waiting room at my therapist's office. There's this one woman there who looks exactly like the fat guy on "Lost", who must have appointments on the same time as mine with another therapist in the office every week. I know she's watching. I sense the empty gaze on me. It feels like a hippo's breath on my shirt. I know she wants to say something so I fake read with even more intent. All my neurosis form into one massive maelstrom of molecular madness jumping through my pores in a hot sweat as I try to climb inside myself to avoid this thing staring at me. I wanna lose it. I really do. I wanna invent an invisible paint and bathe myself in it before every therapy visit. I want this monstrosity to stare at a magazine suspended in air and have a fucking freak out so badly they she gets locked away in a mental hospital for the rest of her natural life , where she is forced to sit in silence at stacks of magazines all day.
Those are just some of the things that make me nuts. thanks :)
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
how i get by on $11.50 an hour.
For a full year and one month I have been living off $11.50 an hour and scheduled for 38 hours a week ( some weeks I got overtime.) Living alone. No roommate, no subsidized housing, food stamps or other government aid. Not that it wouldn't have been nice to get any of those things, but that's just how it is. Before taxes a 40 hour week at $11.50 would be $460. A fair amount, but I will break down my living expenses to see how little that is.
First, my rent. That's $775 a month. ( all expenses broken down into months.) My child support is $354 based on a 4 week month ($88.50 a week.) My health m insurance is $40 ( Thank you Obama!) and my scripts are roughly $20. My heat/water/electric in a conservative month will total to $50. My shitty Boost Mobile phone that has no internet, or porn or anything costs $37. My cable/internet costs $90. Then there's a $15 donation to Best Friends Animal Sanctuary, giving me a total of $1351 a month in expenses. Based on a 40 hour week I'd gross $1840 a month. Uncle Sam takes his cut of $607 leaving me with a net of $1233 a month. That would leave me -$118 for the month. And that's before I purchase any groceries. Now how do I manage when I'm set up to be in the red each month?
I'll tell you how I manage: This fucking chip on my shoulder, that's how!
By knowing what I can make in a month I plan shit out on a tight budget. I run my personal finances as if I were a business, which makes Mitt Romney fucking proud of me because he says corporations are people and well, he's fucking got me on that one. ( Mormon asshole.) I sacrifice a lot too. I don't really go out, or buy things or eat things. I don't really do anything. But it's a far cry from where I was 3 years ago. I crawled back again, with a bigger chip than ever. Sure the employment situation isn't ideal but it's allowed me to slowly ascend. And the sacrifices suck but it beats the alternative which would be homelessness and loss of my child. 2 things I would kill before I'd let happen.
I'm fairly content with the bare minimum but I know and am aware I have to keep climbing. I set goals for myself. Ones that I am achieving in time. There's a great deal of patience involved. It's what's helped keep me moving forward these past 13 months. I set goals of finding a job I could maintain without quitting or being fired because of some result of an action caused by my mental illness and short temper. That was a huge first leap as I have held this same shitty job for 3 years now. My next goal was to get an apartment of my own, which happened when put behind the 8 ball by an eviction notice. I work best from behind the 8 ball. The shadows are my home and such. So I got this apartment in March 2013, thus achieving my 2nd goal. My 3rd goal was to get a cat for my son, which I did by convincing my landlady who was at first against the idea, to let me keep this cat because it was severely abused and neglected. ( total fucking lie but I will do anything for my son.) So my 3rd goal achieved.
And I just totally went the fuck off topic because I got distracted a fire engine. How I am able to survive on such shit wages. That is my thesis. The trick is to always dance on that fine line. I might "create" more work for myself so I have to stay an extra 15 minutes. Do that 4 times a week and you've got an hour. Clock in early from lunch by 15 minutes, 4 times a week and you've got another hour. Find out what your boss's interests are. And when you've got about 10 minutes left in your shift go to him to check out. Let him know your work is complete and you're leaving. Then bring up whatever his interests are. Get him going on them for a good 20 minutes ( I do this all the fucking time. my boss loves to talk about the weather. he will fucking tell me the coolest stories about snowstorms for like a fucking hour.) Do this 4 times a week and you've got yourself another hour! That's 3 extra hours so far. Overtime = time and a half so I've already got myself an extra $51.75 that week. That would put me at $207 extra a month. And that's a minimum. By starting 10 minutes early and doing all of the aforementioned I pull in an extra $300 a month. This puts me over about $182 which is plenty for groceries. And I don't require a lot of food because I eat a lot at work. Soups and shit from the bakery. I really only need to pay for one meal a day, which is my peanut butter and jelly. The 2 loafs of bread for the week cost $4 and the peanut butter and jelly are free because my drunk neighbor gets them for free for me at the local food pantry. I have a Brita water filter thanks to my mom and that refills my water bottles so I always have something to drink.
This seems like a lot of work, but it really isn't. And it seems like I'm just treading water. Slowly, I gain more and more. Always staying true to the virtues that have kept me afloat. Never getting complacent in my diligence to being fiscally responsible. And as I gain, those around me will gain because I know struggle. I know sacrifice. I will chip in as they have for me. There's a method behind my madness. And my madness is how I don't dismay during his climb. I proved to myself that I can come back from anything. I proved that I can keep charging and fighting. Anyone can do it. Just get that chip on your shoulder, set your goals and fucking attack them like vultures on a dead hiker.
First, my rent. That's $775 a month. ( all expenses broken down into months.) My child support is $354 based on a 4 week month ($88.50 a week.) My health m insurance is $40 ( Thank you Obama!) and my scripts are roughly $20. My heat/water/electric in a conservative month will total to $50. My shitty Boost Mobile phone that has no internet, or porn or anything costs $37. My cable/internet costs $90. Then there's a $15 donation to Best Friends Animal Sanctuary, giving me a total of $1351 a month in expenses. Based on a 40 hour week I'd gross $1840 a month. Uncle Sam takes his cut of $607 leaving me with a net of $1233 a month. That would leave me -$118 for the month. And that's before I purchase any groceries. Now how do I manage when I'm set up to be in the red each month?
I'll tell you how I manage: This fucking chip on my shoulder, that's how!
By knowing what I can make in a month I plan shit out on a tight budget. I run my personal finances as if I were a business, which makes Mitt Romney fucking proud of me because he says corporations are people and well, he's fucking got me on that one. ( Mormon asshole.) I sacrifice a lot too. I don't really go out, or buy things or eat things. I don't really do anything. But it's a far cry from where I was 3 years ago. I crawled back again, with a bigger chip than ever. Sure the employment situation isn't ideal but it's allowed me to slowly ascend. And the sacrifices suck but it beats the alternative which would be homelessness and loss of my child. 2 things I would kill before I'd let happen.
I'm fairly content with the bare minimum but I know and am aware I have to keep climbing. I set goals for myself. Ones that I am achieving in time. There's a great deal of patience involved. It's what's helped keep me moving forward these past 13 months. I set goals of finding a job I could maintain without quitting or being fired because of some result of an action caused by my mental illness and short temper. That was a huge first leap as I have held this same shitty job for 3 years now. My next goal was to get an apartment of my own, which happened when put behind the 8 ball by an eviction notice. I work best from behind the 8 ball. The shadows are my home and such. So I got this apartment in March 2013, thus achieving my 2nd goal. My 3rd goal was to get a cat for my son, which I did by convincing my landlady who was at first against the idea, to let me keep this cat because it was severely abused and neglected. ( total fucking lie but I will do anything for my son.) So my 3rd goal achieved.
And I just totally went the fuck off topic because I got distracted a fire engine. How I am able to survive on such shit wages. That is my thesis. The trick is to always dance on that fine line. I might "create" more work for myself so I have to stay an extra 15 minutes. Do that 4 times a week and you've got an hour. Clock in early from lunch by 15 minutes, 4 times a week and you've got another hour. Find out what your boss's interests are. And when you've got about 10 minutes left in your shift go to him to check out. Let him know your work is complete and you're leaving. Then bring up whatever his interests are. Get him going on them for a good 20 minutes ( I do this all the fucking time. my boss loves to talk about the weather. he will fucking tell me the coolest stories about snowstorms for like a fucking hour.) Do this 4 times a week and you've got yourself another hour! That's 3 extra hours so far. Overtime = time and a half so I've already got myself an extra $51.75 that week. That would put me at $207 extra a month. And that's a minimum. By starting 10 minutes early and doing all of the aforementioned I pull in an extra $300 a month. This puts me over about $182 which is plenty for groceries. And I don't require a lot of food because I eat a lot at work. Soups and shit from the bakery. I really only need to pay for one meal a day, which is my peanut butter and jelly. The 2 loafs of bread for the week cost $4 and the peanut butter and jelly are free because my drunk neighbor gets them for free for me at the local food pantry. I have a Brita water filter thanks to my mom and that refills my water bottles so I always have something to drink.
This seems like a lot of work, but it really isn't. And it seems like I'm just treading water. Slowly, I gain more and more. Always staying true to the virtues that have kept me afloat. Never getting complacent in my diligence to being fiscally responsible. And as I gain, those around me will gain because I know struggle. I know sacrifice. I will chip in as they have for me. There's a method behind my madness. And my madness is how I don't dismay during his climb. I proved to myself that I can come back from anything. I proved that I can keep charging and fighting. Anyone can do it. Just get that chip on your shoulder, set your goals and fucking attack them like vultures on a dead hiker.
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