Monday, March 16th 2020. 5 am.
Today our state implements serious measures to stop the spread of the Covid-19; Coronavirus.
I woke up a bit earlier this morning so I could enjoy a few extra minutes of peace before heading in to work. It's been to be a madhouse like we've never seen before since last Thursday. Working in a supermarket we're one of the few places left open, and will be one the few ones if our country goes on a full lock down. People are panicking here like nothing i've seen in my life. Worse than any blizzard we've had to face. We're running out of product as quick as we put it out. It's intense, and very stressful, but I'm very grateful to still continue to go to work and earn a paycheck during this crisis. I fear a bit for my health, but am more vigilant than ever in precautionary measures. My heart aches for those who are forced to lose money because they're employers are closed down, or offer limited services. My heart also feels for those in the medical industry who are swamped with work, and exposed to danger like no time before. I'm enjoying this small bit of piece to think of you all, and to appreciate our lives.
Tuesday, March 17th 2020. 9:15 pm
Day 11 in a row at work. I'm so goddamn tired. 2 more days before a day off. The customers are getting a little rude. They were appreciative yesterday. This is a wealthy town so they tend to have a false sense of entitlement. I was not shy about giving it back. I get maybe they're frustrated, but we're all here risking our health so they can buy groceries. I will fuck them up. I don't care. There were a few decent ones, with good senses of humor that made up for the rude ones. One guy resembling a slightly less hygienic Sasquatch was very upset that we sold out of Little Debbie snacks. I wanted to cut his legs off. Weirdo.
Thursday, March 19th. 8:06 pm
My string of 14 straight shifts is over. It's all a blur. It's rare that I've ever been this physically exhausted. I guess the good thing about the non-stop work is that it's distracted me from thinking about how scared I am. It's more fear of the unknown. When am I going to get it? How will I know? I don't want to be in a hospital. I am in full survival mode; and that exhausts me mentally. I don't want that feeling of not being able to breathe. The gasping, and gargling and choking. I am so prepared. As this were a life or death battle. It's so tiring. I'd like to blame my anxiety disorder, but the fear may be real. I'm grateful for my co-workers who've endured supermarket hell with me. We're trying to remain lighthearted through it all. We just don't wanna get sick. The customers weren't rude today. Mostly kind, and appreciative again. All looked extremely tired. Scared. We're running low on so many foods. Hoping there's a supply replenishment when I go back Saturday. The empty store is a reminder of looming darkness.
Friday, March 20th. 9:01 pm
First day of Spring. Almost reached 70 here. Had the day off, but stayed in and cleaned and disinfected. Don't think I heard anyone outside enjoying the weather. The playground behind my house is closed down to help prevent the spread of the virus. It would usually be bouncing basketballs and kids screaming for joy this afternoon. Hardly any traffic on the streets either.
We're getting a new shipment of toilet paper at work tomorrow so all hell's gonna break loose. We're also closing 2 hours early for the time being which I'm stoked about cuz I hate being there till 9 pm. I plan on eating an entire chocolate cake when i'm there tomorrow. I should workout , but i'm afraid i'll lose the energy needed to fight the virus if i get it. That's my anxiety talking though.
Sunday, March 22. 8:11 am
Woke up extra angry today. A healthy anger. I'm starting to feel burnt out from working so much. I hate that i see no end to this. It's wearing me thin. Then i have people throwing all their problems on me ( ones they created themselves) while i'm trying to navigate this very tense road. I need a week to myself so bad.
Tuesday, March 24. 8:54 am
Today Massachusetts goes on lock down until April 7th. Only essential businesses stay open.
I've been feeling defeated lately. Like this will never end. My doctor gave me an extra bottle of klonopin in the hopes it will help me through this. My anxiety is through the roof because of my job and lungs. It's getting harder and harder not to tell these people to go fuck themselves. They're unrelenting with their ignorance. If one of them get me sick it's gonna take an army to stop me from removing their head from their bodies. It's a bit dramatic, but i'm really tired. I know I will power through this, but i don't want to get over confident and jinx myself. Heading in to work soon.
Monday, April 13. 8:07pm
too out of it to write in here. it's gotten much worse than anticipated. Over 24,000 deaths in America so far. We have to wear masks at work now. We're only letting 20 people in at a time to shop. it really feels like this will never end. And the powers that be in this county are incompetent, and greedy as fuck. I hate that im checking my forehead every hour to see if it's warm. I hate the pit in my stomach when i hear of another grocery store employee dying from this. I worry about everyone around me. There's so much stress and defeat in our eyes. We just want this to be over. We want to be able to breathe again.
Sunday, April 26. 7:02
I'm getting used to this. I'm vigilant about my health still, but I'm accustomed to this new way of life right now so my demeanor is more relaxed. My mindset is if I can maintain my health, and work like hell I can save a decent amount of money. Especially since there's a proposed bill that would give us essential workers substantial hazard pay for the risks we're taking. I wanna build a better life from the ashes of this whole thing. This darkness has presented me a light and I have to go with it. Ideally i would much rather this whole pandemic end though. So The people not fortunate enough to work will stop suffering. I just have to ride with this light given me, and hope i can make is shine for others. I hope when this is all over we don't go back. We go forward. Forward to a better place for everyone. That's the light for humanity. I think focusing on the light is what drives me forward so I'm not stewing in my anxiousness and thinking every time i cough i'm gonna die. My friend Jen got me a thermometer so i no longer obsess about my temperature. I still get a bit anxious. I allow myself one anxiety a pill per week as a reward for making it through. Gonna keep trudging and hope for the best for everyone.
